Iron Eagle

Iron Eagle:  Hardcore ultra-nationalist teenagers undermine the American military with the power of Queen.

Iron Eagle seems to be the forgotten bastard child of combat flight films even though it predated the much celebrated and arguably superior Top Gun. Top Gun was the story of a highly skilled Navy pilot being a little rebellious shit who questioned his own sexuality while showing the Russians who was on top. It featured Kenny Loggins and volleyball. It was also good. Iron Eagle, on the other hand, is the perfect movie for kids that doodled fighter planes on their trapper keepers. It features a teenagers creating their own military operation through the theft of classified documents, espionage, and social engineering that aims to rescue a downed pilot from “Bilya”, a father to our main character. This was filmed during in the mid 80's during the obvious tension between America and the Libya and was probably used by the Soviets as propaganda to show how utter retarded and inept the U.S. Air Force was. Please allow me to explain this fucking treasonous instructional video.

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Highlander 2

Highlander 2:  How did my sword fight porn turn into a shitty sci-fi film?

In 1986, it was a fight to the death in the box office. You had movies like Platoon, Stand By Me, Top Gun, Aliens, Cobra, and Ferris Bueller's Day Off trying to punch each other to death for number one. This was also the year that Big Trouble In Little China and Back to School came out and a movie trying to stand apart had to be special and unique. So a movie where immortals try to chop off each other's heads with two handed swords just might do the trick. Highlander was this and more with an over the top performance by Sean Connery and one of the best soundtracks for a movie ever made by Queen. Even Clancy Brown as the villain was memorable as Highlander elbowed and cut its way through to be one of the greats. Then, the sequel came to be and the end result was about as horrible as a lactose intolerant man pounding chocolate milk on a hot summer day. Shit got everywhere.

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Santa with Muscles

Santa With Muscles:Coming at you with a Hogan leg drop, while screaming “Straight from the North Pole, brother!”


You can easily put the blame the Hulkster's recent run of bad luck on any number of things. From his cunt of an ex-wife taking most of his cash to his stupid fuck-up of a son wrecking that Lambo and debilitating someone for life, I just really think it all boils down to a misstep in 1996. Something happened that year that turned the Real American into a dark, warped, dyed goatee wearing creepster. It turned the lovable wrestling hero that managed to take down Andre the Giant into the twisted persona of Hollywood Hogan and helped move things into a weirder direction. Whether it was some dark ritual, the stars aligning wrong, or Hogan just shaking hands with the wrong person remains unclear. What is clear though, is the stain on the careers of several actors left by the train wreck that was Santa with Muscles.

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