American Ninja 2

American Ninja 2:  There’s enough Steve James for me not to care that ninjas run around on the beach.

With ninja summer camps, ninja lasers, and Steve James stealing scenes, American Ninja redefined ninja movies in the U.S. even if the redefinition was fucking dumb. American Ninja 2: Confrontation ups the ante with even more Joe and Curtis bro-ing it out, beating the shit out of ninjas and confronting a secret diabolical plan foot-to-face style. Only the sheer power and prowess of Joe and Curtis can see themselves through their most treacherous and stupid adventure yet.

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Kazaam:  Let’s face it. If Shaq showed up at your party rapping with a boombox spitting out diamonds…

People seem to forget that Shaq is not only a monster of a man, but he is also one of the greatest centers in NBA history. While being named Rookie of the Year, he almost singlehandedly brought the dogshit record of the Orlando Magic to a very respectable level. He even managed to take them to the finals in 1995. After getting injured and becoming a free agent in the 95-96 season, the Lakers started knocking on his door. With a lucrative NBA career at his feet and even a platinum rap album under his belt, Shaq did what most people would kill for a chance at. He took seven million dollars to star as a rapping genie stuck in a boombox and kick Middle Eastern henchmen in the chest.

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Bio Dome

Bio-Dome:  Any love for California created from Point Break was destroyed by Pauly Shore.

The true story of Biosphere 2’s scientific failure is fascinating on its own. It was designed as a self-sustaining ecosystem complete with insects, animals, and agriculture sealed off from the rest of the world in an attempt to see if the colonization of Mars was possible. Disaster started from the get go. There were problems sustaining oxygen due to the concrete actually absorbing it. A majority of the insect population died off with the rise of an indigenous species of ants and cockroaches. The crew wasn’t able to sustain their food production and had to kill off their livestock who were becoming competition for existing food stores. Social tensions within the group split them within six months to the point where they were barely able to work together. To further compliment a massive shit show, two members of the of the first mission tried to break out the crew of the second mission only to find out they never wanted out to begin with now that the second team was armed with competent management and researchers. It’s sad really that instead of making a film chronicling this massive $150 million fuck up, they chose instead to showcase a fucking moron prancing around for an hour and a half speaking mongoloid.

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