The Stuff

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Written by Kick The Puppy

The Stuff:  I'm going to try to avoid semen jokes.

Larry Cohen does not give a fuck. Almost specializing in the art of the “B” film, the writer/director has given us such classics as Black Caesar, Maniac Cop III, and Original Gangstas. He also utilized Billy Dee Williams in the worst way with Deadly Illusion while making a movie titled Uncle Sam a horror film. The man just doesn't peddle in shit....he revels in it. God bless him for it, for without him, we wouldn't have one of the most ridiculous plots in horror film history with The Stuff.

While on a late shift at a mining company, an old man discovers a strange white substance bubbling from the ground in the snow. Being naturally curious and possessing the wisdom of a meth addict, he decides the best course of action is to put some on his finger and pop that unknown Stuff into his mouth. It evidently is the best tasting Stuff ever and convinces his almost equally stupid friend to get a taste. With white Stuff covering their lips (I didn't make a joke there you son of a bitch. You did it yourself.) they hatch a plan to sell it in bulk. Fast forward to the next scene where The Stuff has now dominated the dessert market pissing off their kings of industry. Nobody fucks with the dessert kings. They hire an industrial saboteur named Mo' Rutherford who not only has the best job ever, but manages to do the impossible and be a likeable protagonist. His fight to slog through an increasingly ridiculous plot is joined by a boy with the shittiest family ever and some advertising exec he ends up sleeping with.

The advertising throughout the film is a subtle message towards the manic craze of the consumer and a reminder that the 80s suck.

The Stuff is great because it manages to be bad on so many levels. It has some of the worst blue screen you have ever scene topped with the top notch acting you would expect of “B” film standards. The special effects from film are like if someone watched The Thing and said, “You know what? I can pull that off with $10 and some glue.” The plot train is taking you for a ride through it all getting dumber as you go along. It is also a very stark reminder that the 80s were fucking horrible. Oversized shirts, hairspray, pop music, and men's thigh high socks remind you that growing up at the time is one that should be pushed in the back of your mind to never be looked at again. Through it all is your guide Mo' with one of the strongest southern drawls you will ever see. He is the conductor in this train of stupid, but is endearing enough to make the ride fun.

That man has white stuff in the back of his throat. Just an observation you pervert.

As I sat on the couch watching Mo' punch a “Stuffie” in the face and watching it cave in, I thought about the movie Transformers. In twenty years Transformers is still going to suck and probably be on the same shitty level as the Chuck Norris epic Delta Force. Come on. Would you rather watch Shia LeBeouf shamble his lines scene after scene with talking cars blowing things up or watch a guys head split open spewing out Cool Whip and it NOT being a porno? The Stuff wins.