Captain Marvel

Captain Marvel:  The movie about a likable field agent and an adorable cat is finally here!

This controversy surrounding this movie is a garbage pile of stupid, littered with manufactured outrage, gender politics, and review bombing before the movie ever came out.  It’s hard to tiptoe through the feminist outrage and fandom gripes that add on to the internet vomitorium and watch the movie objectively.  The OUTRAGE/BURNED culture that we all have been wallowing in has spilled into just about everything we love coating all in sticky shit. It makes it difficult to boil away the bullshit to try to figure out if the flying girl from space that can shoot things out her hands has a good movie. 

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How It Ends

How It Ends:  Let me save you an hour and and fifty-three minutes. You never find out.

With Netflix’s strategy of throwing garbage against the wall to see what sticks, How It Ends sticks in the worst way possible. It is shit, yes, but shit thrown against the wall in a glorious display. You marvel at how well it did manage to stick. You slowly nod in appreciation of the splash patterns, the attention to detail at how it covered the wall. The lies you tell yourself as your gaze wonders to all the other shit that has fallen to the ground leaving a disgusting stained wall. The Cloverfield Paradox, Bright, Tau, Death Note, Titan, and that horrible diarrhea spray called Mute all just clump up on the floor to be forgotten. But not How It Ends. It’s not falling off hanging stuck like an unwelcome guest that won’t leave, and that is making you angry. This is the last fucking straw. Who put that shit on my wall? Who is the motherfucker that had the fucking balls to not just call this shit science fiction, but call this something that is supposed to resemble a fucking movie? Whoever is handling quality control at Netflix, I hate you more than black licorice and that asshole corrections officer in the Green Mile. I haven’t been this mad over a movie in a long time. Fuck you.

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Blade Runner 2049

Blade Runner 2049:  Even the most beautiful film needs a goddamn editor.

I’m not sure how many people wanted this sequel, but here we are and I am honestly glad that they did it. Before I talk about this one, there is a need to address the first film, or more specifically, the ending. Is Deckard a replicant? The answer to this question is shrouded in directorial hubris, fandom, and multiple special editions, but ultimately falls into two camps. The first are convinced that Deckard was essentially human and Ridley Scott shoehorned that replicant shit in to make himself look more clever than he actually is. The second camp of twelve people think that Deckard being a replicant is not retarded at all and voice this with grunts and flinging feces everywhere. Regardless of what you think or HOW WRONG YOU ARE with the ending, Blade Runner 2049 wisely leaves it ambiguous and has no real impact in the story on way or another. It also manages to be a great film.

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