Howard the Duck

Howard the Duck:  This is what happens when the Lucas House of Ideas runs loose.

Most people forget about all the bullshit ideas that ran through George Lucas’s head in his career. Sure, this is the guy that brought us Star Wars and Indiana Jones. I’ll even go so far as saying his work on Willow and Labyrinth are worth mentioning. The problem is that when his creative genius goes unchecked, a lot of film diarrhea gets splashed on the big screen. His most famous fuck ups could be considered the Star Wars prequels, the limp dicked Crystal Skull, and the whitewashed Ewok films. Off to the side in Lucas’s embarrassing corner was the running joke that may not be as damning as the atrocities of the prequels, but horrible enough to earn him his own little pet name amongst the Hollywood elite.

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Double Dragon

Double Dragon:  The beautiful and talented Alyssa Milano saves the city from the bad guy in T2.

You are a producer for set to turn a video game into a profittable venture. This is 1994 where you are riding on the embarrassing afterbirth of what the Super Mario Brothers film created and some dickhead exec at the studio after an excessive amount of coke thinks it's a brilliant idea to churn these out like happy meals. Your budget is shit, so you can't afford any real action heroes. You pull Scott Wolf who no one can ever figure out how the hell he managed to headline as well as Mark Damascos who's only real claim to fame was the Kickboxer knock off, American Samurai. You managed to get Vana White who managed to walk on the set by accident and an untalented but pseudo-popular Andy Dick who you begrudging promised to get the leftover coke from that execs desk as payment. The script is shit, the actors are shit, and this a first time director is in charge of this shit show. What could you add to salvage this shitshow? That's right. Alyssa Milano.

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Gymkata:  What if I told you that some reckless son of a bitch mixed gymnastics with karate?

If you were a producer looking to take a bite from all the martial arts action movies of the 80's, you couldn't really do it without some sort of oriental influence. Karate was kind of a big deal then on top of a layer of all the Bruce Lee flicks that were absorbed in any film about fucking people up. You couldn't really use boxing since those boil down to getting the shit kicked out of you by another dude, persevering through face punches, and some problematic bullshit with the protagonist's life. Other than that, America didn't really offer jack shit to the table in martial arts. After what could only have been the result of heavy drinking or some unholy idea from a Hollywood think tank came the brilliant idea of turning Kurt Thomas (who was a gymnastic prodigy at the time) into some sort of martial art badass. Since this is Shitty Cinema, it ended as well as you would have expected.

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