Santa with Muscles

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Written by KTP

Santa With Muscles:Coming at you with a Hogan leg drop, while screaming “Straight from the North Pole, brother!”

You can easily put the blame the Hulkster's recent run of bad luck on any number of things. From his cunt of an ex-wife taking most of his cash to his stupid fuck-up of a son wrecking that Lambo and debilitating someone for life, I just really think it all boils down to a misstep in 1996. Something happened that year that turned the Real American into a dark, warped, dyed goatee wearing creepster. It turned the lovable wrestling hero that managed to take down Andre the Giant into the twisted persona of Hollywood Hogan and helped move things into a weirder direction. Whether it was some dark ritual, the stars aligning wrong, or Hogan just shaking hands with the wrong person remains unclear. What is clear though, is the stain on the careers of several actors left by the train wreck that was Santa with Muscles.

"I've heard enough of your shit kid. If you ask for a John Cena action figure again, Hulkamania is going to deliver a boot to your ass on Christmas."

The movie opens with our introduction to Blake, a rich asshole who made his fortune selling nutritional supplements (well....yeah) and who enjoys beating the shit out of his staff before breakfast, played by the Hulkster. It’s quickly established that he is a world class dick when he takes the day off to play paintball just for the fuck of it. It's another fun game of him being a d-bag to the other players when he inadvertently pisses off the local law enforcement headed by none other than Clint Howard. You know, the weird looking Howard. Instead of just pulling over after a misunderstanding, Hulk decides to make a getaway into a mall as its staff is gearing up for Christmas. Fuck the police. He hits his head during the chase and gets amnesia during a Santa event. Long story short, Hogan becomes a shoe-in for Santa Clause, helps save an orphanage, and uses his sheer strength and mass to completely fuck up some bad guys who are trying to fuck up said orphanage. Oh yeah, there's also early teens Mila Kunis who plays a magical elf from Jersey. As you can tell, this is Oscar worthy storytelling right here.

You're a fan of the Rock, Mila Kunis? Why don't you shut the fuck up, Meg.

Santa with Muscles is essentially Kindergarten Cop on an acid trip, but it's Hulk Hogan, so he can get as many free passes as he wants. He never gets stacked against any villain that he can't just outright beat the dog shit out of. It's really just Hogan straight-up pummeling bad guys who look like the only gym class they have ever taken is Pilates. We have to wade through one of the most retarded plots ever written to see Hogan do what he does best. One bad guy, who fashions himself some sort of doctor, slaps the champion of WrestleMania with a stethoscope and even gets a roundhouse in for good measure, but he must have gotten his PhD at a special education camp because trying to inflict physical harm to Hogan is fucking retarded. Hogan counters with a punch to his gut. Doctor's diagnosis, the patient is experiencing tummy aches. In the end you’re going to have to shift through a bunch of shit to get to the gold.

Hulk Hogan is a firm believer that martial arts is retarded compared to throwing people like they were lawn darts.

On a side note, Jordan Belford. If that name sounds familiar, it's because he’s the dude The Wolf of Wall Street is based on. See, while you laughed at his crazy antics with Quaaludes and Jonah Hill jerking his flaccid dick at a party, it seems we glossed over how he managed to help tarnish Hogan's rep. You see, amid all the raunchy parties and sex Jordan was having, he also decided to try his hand at being an executive producer. Take a stab at what year it was. Yep. 1996. While he was throwing midgets like darts, he was also inadvertently throwing Hulkamania under the bus. Fuck you Jordan! Not even you can kill Hulkamania, but I am going to blame this pile of shit on you douche nozzle. For fuck's sake, now you’re going to make me watch Thunder in Paradise all over again. Yeah Brother!