Top Dog

Top Dog:  What do Turner & Hootch and K-9 both have in common? Not having enough roundhouses.

Name one good Chuck Norris movie right now. Go ahead. I'll wait. You were about to say Way of the Dragon weren't you? That shit doesn't count. It's Bruce Lee knocking around Chuck in last fight scene. Delta Force you say? Sucked. Sidekicks? You only liked it because you had a crush on Winnie Cooper from the Wonder Years. Chuck Norris is the king of the shitty action movies with Steven Seagal pudgy ass following closely behind. For this week, we could have gone a much easier route with Forest Warrior. It's the one where Chuck protects a forest as an ancient spirit that can turn into a bear, an eagle, and complimentary sweet roundhouse kicks. Shit. I might need to do that one down the road. Instead, we take a roundhouse loving no nonsense cop and pair him up with the department's most decorated maverick canine in the action epic Top Dog.


The first thing we need to show is how much of a badass the Top Dog is because Chuck has already proved that shit by roundhousing half the bad guys in the fucking world. We open with Reno, a scruffy dog that likes to fuck up scarfs, being a disobedient little shit, and save babies from burning buildings since firefighters in the Top Dog world don't know what the fuck they are doing. Reno and some old cop named Lou investigate some boat loaded with explosives and guns. Lou and Reno get shot like the super sneaky super sleuths they are and dumped off the side. Since this movie isn't titled Top Old Cop, Reno survives. There's only one man that can partner up with Reno to bust this case wide open, and that man is Chu....Jake.....the cop.

"You ever talk shit about Top Dog, I will roundhouse this empty mug into your asshole."

We find out the big bad evil guys are none other than white supremacists who are set out to blow up random churches and synagogues. This was before 9-11 so we can't cheese our way muslim extremists. The Cold War is over so Russians are out. Well. At least they spend their free time looking scary by shooting automatic weapons at cutout targets and having meetings in industrial plants at night. BUT FUCK THAT SHIT JAKE AND RENO BUST THAT SHIT WIDE OPEN. Reno fucks shit up by, well, I really don't remember. I think he does a bunch of dog stuff like running and jumping on people. Jake fucks up like 15 people at once. He even gets to fuck up clowns. Seriously. No bullshit. Once scene, some nazi bitch gets DOUBLE roundhoused. Fuck man. Calm the fuck down Jake. You want to shut him down or make him retarded?

Squaring up against Chuck in his own movie is like taking a leak straight up in the air. You can technically do it, but goddamn are you going to regret it and look stupid in the attempt.

It all boils down to a giant showdown between the police and the nazis which becomes really fucking confusing since almost everyone is white. This is probably why henchman uniforms are important. So the day is saved with cops shooting the place up, Jake leaves the bomb diffusing skills to Chuck Norris, and Reno pushes some dude to his death off the side of a balcony. Don't toss the confetti yet since we need to catch the mastermind before he gets away. Jake catches him who also is the son of a bitch that killed Lou and shot Reno. Chuck fucks him up so bad he has probably made him double retarded. Reno is about to get his revenge until Lou's grandson who got to the scene by doing sweet jumps on his Viper restrains him. This is probably the most important scene since it lets the audience know that not only Reno isn't caving in to revenge, but also pointing out that he is a fucking dog. Fucking Top Dog.