Iron Eagle

Iron Eagle:  Hardcore ultra-nationalist teenagers undermine the American military with the power of Queen.

Iron Eagle seems to be the forgotten bastard child of combat flight films even though it predated the much celebrated and arguably superior Top Gun. Top Gun was the story of a highly skilled Navy pilot being a little rebellious shit who questioned his own sexuality while showing the Russians who was on top. It featured Kenny Loggins and volleyball. It was also good. Iron Eagle, on the other hand, is the perfect movie for kids that doodled fighter planes on their trapper keepers. It features a teenagers creating their own military operation through the theft of classified documents, espionage, and social engineering that aims to rescue a downed pilot from “Bilya”, a father to our main character. This was filmed during in the mid 80's during the obvious tension between America and the Libya and was probably used by the Soviets as propaganda to show how utter retarded and inept the U.S. Air Force was. Please allow me to explain this fucking treasonous instructional video.


"Pretend, Doug, that my hands are planes. Pretend that if you ever make my beloved Air Force look like circus clowns again, my hand planes will bomb the fuck outta your face."

The film centers around Air Force brat Doug Masters who is just your average kid that loves root beer, cassette tapes playing Road of a Gypsy, and is about to graduate high school. This is just on the surface. This privileged little shit spends his spare time bugging for play on an aircraft simulator, wrecking prop planes on fucking dares, and getting his Colonel dad to sneak him in on flights with his F-16. Dad gets shot down in “INSERT GENERIC MIDDLE EASTERN COUNTRY” with a death sentence looming over his head. Doug, with good reason, gets teenage angsty. He does things like walk into a command center with no clearance and the shittiest security to take his gripes straight to the base colonel. “Sorry kid, but we're doing everything we can to get your dad out. Now fuck off and let us take care of this.” Is this a good enough answer for Doug “FUCK YOUR SHITTY PILOT SKILLS” Masters? Fuck no. This little shit guilt trips another Colonel by the nickname “Chappie” (Louis Gossett Jr.) into getting on board with a plan to steal fully armed fighter planes, fly into sovereign territory, and bomb the living fuck outta them. This plan involves the help of Doug's aviator club friends whose parents are high ranking officers on the base's personnel. Of course they setup their own operation since the Air Force is not as republican as they are. Of course it works and Masters gets his old man out after a few choice scenes, F-16 aerial combat pornography, and one song from Queen that sees him through.

Take a deep breath and don't worry about silly things like treason.

What is amazing is the teenage empowering bullshit this takes form in. You've seen it before in other movies. “You grown ups won't listen or understand. We are going to do things our way because we now know things that you don't understand.” Usually, this is just to move the plot forward and give center-stage to the ingenuity of the oppressed and unheard youth. This fucking movie takes this idea and pushes it well past any reasonable national security levels. Doug just doesn't have friends. This motherfucker has a network of “TEENPOWER” that is ready to not only attempt to fill in the plot holes, but show how retarded the US military is compared to the amazing ingeniousness that TEENPOWER brings to the table. While the government is reluctant to start an international incident, TEENPOWER does not give a fuck. The teens exploit their parents positions to outright steal various intelligence about “INSERT GENERIC MIDDLE EASTERN COUNTRY” and create their own sort of S-3 Operations unit in some sort of bastardized irregular army fueled by teenage hormones. Chappie is more than happy to move the fucking plot forward and exploit these little treasonous bastards to get his man out. I just want to stress that this movie carries itself Pro-80s, Pro-Republican, and Pro-motherfuckin America. These kids made the Air Force a running joke like an Abbott and Costello bit and in effect, gave a big “Fuck You” to an established military organization. “Fuck you, federal government and military branches. We are going to show you what we can do with TEENPOWER and a Twisted Sister soundtrack.”

"Foolish Americans. You will soon feel the military might of our 3 fighter aircraft and our rust pile of Soviet pity AKs."

This film is retarded in all the right ways. It gives the impression that if an already Republican government is not republican enough, TEENPOWER is going to crank that shit to 11. Lois Gossett Jr. is like the 80's Morgan Freeman telling you the penguins are going to straight up assram enemies of America. Fuck you Reagan. If you aren't going to do some shit, then TEENPOWER is going to straight up get the S-3 Operations dick into your sovereign country. Diplomacy be damned. The more that I think about it, the more that I think that if these shitty Disney tween shows had some sort of political agenda or movement, then they would probably be able to easily subvert the government to some sort of Instagram cause-of-the-week. I shudder at the thought of whatever hugbox bullshit this retarded reverbing think tank might create. They wouldn't have Chappie to slap sense into them.