Leprechaun

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Written by KTP

Leprechaun:  Fuck you Lucky Charms!

Tea Leoni was originally supposed to get the spot of Rachel on Friends but turned it down. I can only image the scramble to get their actor. Two producers probably coked out of their minds, churn out names in a sort of shitty celebrity bingo. Suddenly another pops in the room holding a VHS copy of Leprechaun.

“Guys, I have the fucking answer.”, the intruder strolls over to an entertainment center and slides the tape in.

"Quit fucking around and get the fuck outta here. This is important.” He snorts another line from a glass desk. The other is slumped in his chair, eyes glazed and unfocused.

“Just watch, asshole.”, his thumbs working the controller fast-forwarding to the a scene where a father takes his daughter to some shitty home in the middle of nowhere. Out from the vehicle steps Jennifer Aniston swishing around a short blue dress that only the 90s could fashion. The camera holds and doesn't move as she twirls around up the stairs; her legs distracting you from the vomit someone considered acting. No one in the room breaths until the scene ends.

“Her agent. Now.”

Yeah you would you goddamn liar.

Since it's not animated, shitty is written all over the title. As a horror film, Leprechaun pits an Irish midget against Jennifer Aniston, her crew of fuck ups, and horrible Irish stereotypes. Aniston (who cares what her name is in the movie) goes to meet her father in a dump of a house under protest. She befriends the cleaning crew who consists of the most worthless handsome guy in a horror film, Francis from Peewee's Big Adventure who I think is playing a retarded character, and one-liner kid who sets off the phrase that will spoil the movie for middle school kids everywhere. When the crew finds a bag of gold (yep) at the end of a rainbow (yep) and they inadvertently knock off the four leafed clover holding the leprechaun imprisoned in a crate (uh-huh), they unleash the terror of a short guy that just wants his gold back. That kinda pisses me off. I'd be mad too if some Jameson drinking Irish fucker caught my ass and tried to steal my hard assets. Sure he killed a few cops, but I've seen pimps with less compassion. Fuck it. THE LEPRECHAUN DID NOTHING WRONG! So I guess that it turns in to Man on Fire but instead of Denzel, we get the leprechaun trying to get his gold back from these thieving bastards.

Only one of their careers made it out alive.

What makes this movie watchable, aside from watching Aniston bounce around scene to scene, is the pure fucking commitment Warwick Davis has to trying make this obvious trash of a horror theme into menace. The man who played Willow and an Ewok from Return of the Jedi took all of his chips, and said, “Fuck it. You want a short guy to play an evil leprechaun? I'm all in.” The moment you see this motherfucker chasing the crew in a nursing home on a wheelchair, you know this guy is having the time of his life. “You want your shitty horror movie, you sons of bitches? I'm going to give it to you.” I really wanted him to win.