American Ninja

Details

Written by Kick The Puppy

American Ninja:  Who else can wield a blade that never cuts.

Ninja, or as they were then known as Shinobi, started to pop up in history around the 15th century. At the time, they were consider infiltrators, scouts, and assassins. There were two clans that produced professionally trained ninja but many were mercenaries favored due to being flexible or even dismissive of the strict Bushido code. They were the masters of stealth and perfected their craft so well it turned into a verb. Their skill throughout history is marred with myth and legend due to the secretive nature of their duties. But there is one thing that the Japanese couldn't account for. They couldn't have anticipated the rad awesomeness of.....AMERICAN NINJA.

American Ninja is awesome in the same way that Iron Eagle and Delta Force are. We have our all American mysterious hero, Joe, who happens to be in the army. General Infantry Joe? Hmm..... You have the Colonel's daughter who acts as the hot love interest. She advances the plot by crying to her father and getting predictably kidnapped. In case you are wondering....no. You don't get to see her tits. We got the black best bro whose friendship could only be earned by kicking the shit out of him. He may or may not know martial arts, but he tries to highlight it in the dumbest ways. We have the evil Frenchman who is running the show. You know that fucker is evil because he is French and WWII and fucking croissants and FUCK YOU!!! AMERICA MOTHERFUCKER!!!!! Then we have the evil ninja named Black Star Ninja who well.....has a black star on his face and happens to be a ninja. He also runs the ninja camp where you get to jump and tumble like an asshole, wear cool ninja threads, and have the chance of getting killed by Black Star in an exhibition match showcasing his skills to seedy investors. Sign me up.

Being in ninja camp fucking sucks.

Our story begins with our hero Joe, who conveniently has amnesia, being the new guy in an army outfit in the Philippines. While acting as the new driver for a convoy, they get ambushed by rebels. This has happened THREE FUCKING TIMES BEFORE, so like bitches, the Sergeant Major orders to let them take the transported equipment. Joe is having none of this shit after seeing the Colonel's daughter get slapped across her lippy face. Oh fuck no. In a rage that can only be honed and shaped through the superior martial art of ninjitsu, Joe proceeds to beat the living shit out of the rebels like the graceful steps of a beautiful ballet dancer mixed with the rage of a drunk father shambling with a spatula at a Labor Day barbeque. The tide is turned as the rest of the soldiers remember that they are fucking soldiers and proceed to help with the ass whooping only America can deliver. THEN SUDDENLY, NINJAS! Our black clad nemesis led by Black Star Ninja soundly kill our real American heroes with their superior wooden bows and Japanese steel against weak American rifles and explosives. Joe, in a middle finger to the rest of the world, proceeds to kick some ninja ass and escape into the woods with a chatty annoying Colonel's daughter who in addition to her plot advancement duties of being helpless, also serves to contrast against Joe's superior techniques. After escaping, Joe begins an adventure building the trust of Army, understanding what happened in his youth, and fucking up scores of ninja.

Black Star Ninja has mastered the technique of LASERS, BITCH! GOING TO FUCK YOU UP!

American Ninja is bad. I mean really bad, to the point of awesomely bad. You have really shitty special effects, nonsensical advances in the story, ninjas with lasers, and a heart warming story about an orphan and his surrogate ninja father. The Japanese craze was in full effect here, but it seems whoever was behind the film thought, “You know.....Ninjas are fucking awesome. American is also fucking awesome. You know what would make Japanese ninja better? America. Yeah, motherfucker. America bitches.” You know what? With however stupid this movie is, America really did make this shitty movie better with guns, the army, and silly ass Joe tumbling around like a retard. America. Fuck yeah.