Double Dragon

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Written by KTP

Double Dragon:  The beautiful and talented Alyssa Milano saves the city from the bad guy in T2.

You are a producer for set to turn a video game into a profittable venture. This is 1994 where you are riding on the embarrassing afterbirth of what the Super Mario Brothers film created and some dickhead exec at the studio after an excessive amount of coke thinks it's a brilliant idea to churn these out like happy meals. Your budget is shit, so you can't afford any real action heroes. You pull Scott Wolf who no one can ever figure out how the hell he managed to headline as well as Mark Damascos who's only real claim to fame was the Kickboxer knock off, American Samurai. You managed to get Vana White who managed to walk on the set by accident and an untalented but pseudo-popular Andy Dick who you begrudging promised to get the leftover coke from that execs desk as payment. The script is shit, the actors are shit, and this a first time director is in charge of this shit show. What could you add to salvage this shitshow? That's right. Alyssa Milano.

To the left and right: fear and weakness. At the center: Courage and determination.

In the future, L.A. is an even bigger shithole than it already is with constant earthquakes, acid rain, plagued with street gangs that walked off the set of the Warriors, and a worthless police force. The movie focuses in the beginning on two dipshits that can't fight for some reason. There's also something about a medallion, but that's not important. The film wisely focuses on two these to characters initially to highlight the talents of Marian (Milano) who saves their asses from two mohawk wearing thugs with her own gang, Power Corps. Power Corps members dress like they were extras in a Kriss Kross video that were caught in a fingerpaint explosion. Even though they look stupid, the gang is the most progressive and powerful in the city. Marian even offers the two idiots a spot in their group which I could only assume is some program to offer the mentally retarded employment in society. She takes them on her adventures with patience and understand despite their inherent ability to argue over a shitty medallion and show off fighting moves that would make NBA players blush. Thankfully, the queen of kicking ass, Marian is running the show. She gives the boys the illusion that they are in control while she steers them into blundering the head bad guy's plans and salvages this shit movie with her amazing acting skills. You think Double Dragon is about two brothers fighting bad guys. Fuck you. Double Dragon is symbolic for the blue balls you're going to get when you realize how much Milano is out of your league.

No one crawled through an air duct like Milano did. Fucking. No. One.

Aside from the glaring problem of Milano not being in every scene, Hollywood manages to fuck up a movie about two guys beating the shit out of street gangs. This was adapted from a game where the story could be explained in one small sentence. “Brother fuck up gangs to get back girl.” Did you really need a magic medallion, a car chase in a station wagon, and Andy Dick? If you are thinking what the answer is to this question, then I'm here to tell you Power Corps has an amazing employment program for people such as yourself. They could have just used the script from the Warriors, chopped both ends, and replaced the Warriors with the two brothers. You might not have as much screentime from Milano as you would want, but you might have a chance at watching people fuck each other up properly.