Masters of the Universe

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Written by KTP

Masters of the Universe:  Comradery through fried chicken, synth-pop, and laser whips.

Fish out of water movies tend to be fucking stupid. There are a few exceptions, like the Back to the Future series or Just Visiting, but usually they suck. Most if not all of them portray a main character as comic relief, always in shock from how other people behave in another time or place. In this regard, Masters of the Universe does not give a fuck. You want to base your movie on a cartoon depicting the struggle between a living skeleton’s army and a heroic band of renegades in the middle of Anytown, USA? Fine. He-man won’t let your stupid plot get in the way of being a master of the motherfucking universe. He’ll just use the remaining budget to shove his boot up Skeletor’s ass.

HAWT

Master’s of the Universe takes place in the mystical land of Eternia, Arizona. Skeletor, while nowhere near as ripped as He-man, tries to hunt down the hero’s forces while using the power of Castle Greyskull to become the MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE! It’s amazing that Frank Langella able to pull off Skeletor with the quality of makeup they used. For those who don’t know, Frank Langella is the guy who played Richard Nixon in Frost/Nixon. A super ripped Dolph Lundgren and companions (Master-at-arms and Teela) are having none of Nixon’s bullshit. They learn of an odd troll guy named Gwildor who made a weird ass synthesizer key, which allowed Nixon to capture Castle Greyskull in the first place. They find a prototype key made by the same troll guy that can be used to recapture the castle, but shit goes wrong and they are transported to Earth. There, they go on to enjoy fried chicken, meet Courtney Cox, and kick the shit out of Nixon’s mercenaries. After a fuck-ton of shirtless action and drama, He-man and friends assault Greyskull. The showdown between Drago and Nixon is on and after screaming, ”I have the POWER!” with his sword in the air, the Universal Soldier kicks that crooked fucking president down into an almost bottomless pit. Fuck you, Nixon.

I still wish he said, "Curse you He-man!". Just one fucking time.

This movie was the most unintentionally sexual thing ever made for kids and kudos to the costume designers for attempting to make the characters look like they are from a cartoon. Dolph is fucking ripped with his goofy battle harness, fucking dudes up with a sword and a laser rifle at the same time. I think he even throws kicks in for good measure. We also have Teela, played by Chelsea Field, who is probably the hottest thing in the film wearing what appears to be a giant body stocking with a leather thong harness, you know, just like He-man. I don’t think they set out to make it sexual, but it seemed to come together that way. The whole thing works since Courtney Cox plays a prudish teenager, which is the complete opposite of Cougar Town. Chelsea went on to actually show off her body to the joy of 80’s youth worldwide. Unfortunately it was in films like Harley Davidson, The Marlboro Man, and A Passion to Kill that starred that dude from Quantum Leap. I guess the moral of the story is, if you want to make it in Hollywood, be a prude.

HAAAAWWWWWWTTTTT

The movie got a lot of flak for being too “violent” and for Dolph’s acting being too “wooden”. I’m not sure what people were expecting from an adaptation of a kids show where a half-naked man with a sword rode a giant green tiger around to fight another buff guy with a skull for a face. For a kid, Masters of the Universe was awesome, even if that troll-thing Gwildor creeped everyone the fuck out. Dolph played He-man like he didn’t give a shit that he trounced around Earth being a Master of the Universe. Dude is trying to save the universe. He doesn’t have time for a goddamn shirt. If you didn’t utter “Fuck Yeah!” when Dolph pulled the sword and yelled, “I have the power!” your childhood was probably sad and you were too occupied with your fucked up Koosh Ball.