Superman 3

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Written by KTP

Superman 3:  I would have pictured Superman as more of a Jack Daniels kind of guy..

Superman, the film, introduced us the man that made us believe we could fly. Well, maybe not you or me since we aren't from Krypton, but it had decent enough special effects to make us wish we could. Christopher Reeve knocked it out of the park with his portrayal of the bubbling, accident-prone Clark Kent and then with the heroic and confident Superman. Gene Hackman was a pretty good Lex Luthor if you're okay with a greedy version of a millionaire megalomaniac. The second, pitted Superman against evil Kryptonians where he kicks their asses in the end using the ole’ tough guy handshake. The third film, while not the worst in the series features an evil Superman that drinks Red Label, Richard Pryor, and a cyborg. It's a wreck, but it explores the possibility of a Superman that just gets sick over everyone's shit. Hell man, if you could fly anywhere why wouldn't you stop off at a bar?

"Time to take this criminal scum to jail....wait....you're Richard Pryor? What's up mah brotha?"

The film starts completely different from the first two. We see a multitude of slapstick comedy accidents that make Metropolis seem like Toontown. We are introduced to Superman not only navigating through this shit show, but eventually saving the day when it gets too retarded. I'll take Gotham over Metropolis any day of the week since taking a chance on a town filled with flamboyant psychopaths seems favorable to getting killed by the absent-minded mongoloids that populate Superman's hometown. Anyway, we are also introduced to Gus (Richard Pryor) who not only provides comic relief, but also attempts to convince the audience that he is a master computer programmer. He meets up with Ross Webster since Gene Hackman was too pissed off at the production staff to reprise his role as Lex Luthor. Webster is essentially Lex Luthor except more of a rich asshole who wants to be an even richer asshole and uses Gus's skill to try and destroy all of Columbia's beans. I'm not making that shit up. Superman puts a stop to that so the villains come after him with some sort of synthetic kryptonite. It doesn't kill him, but turns him into a super fucking asshole. We go on a fun ride watching Superman fuck up the tower of Pisa, blow out the Olympic torch, and hit on women in a sleazy way. It's fucking great. Superman eventually snaps out of it with a fight against Clark Kent. I guess it was all taking place in his head, and if that were the case, it would make him even more fucked up in the head than Batman. He confronts Webster, Gus, and company to stop them when they build some sort of super computer that traps people in plastic bubbles and turns them into murderous cyborgs. Superman wins and thinks Gus is a cool guy even after all the bullshit he caused. I forgot to mention that Lois Lane gets the boot this movie and is swapped with the much more attractive Lana Lang. She just gives Clark some shit to do since I guess the budget can't handle Superman flying around all over the goddamn place.

"What the fuck do you mean I can't stay up past 10 and can't have ice cream. Fuck you Clark."

There are much worse superhero films out there like Catwoman, Elektra, Steel, and Wolverine Origins just to name a few. Superman IV is much worse than this with fucking Nuclear Man and shitty special effects. Superman III had a special way of scarring a child for life that only a shitty film like this could. The fight between drunk Superman and Clark Kent in the scrapyard is easy to point at, but it’s not the only squeamish part. The real horror show was the climatic fight between Superman and Gus's giant machine. You know which part. That's the part you thought you could block out like that time your uncle molested you. It's that scene where the woman gets absorbed into the machine in the most terrifying way possible. Once those eyes opened again it scarred your childhood innocence to the point where you might as well have been sitting next to Superman in that bar wondering what the hell was the point of it all. If my came to an end by getting absorbed into a machine and looking like a Doctor Who bad guy, then all of Richard Pryor's bumbling around couldn't tear that out of my head. Fuck that shit.