Megaforce

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Written by KTP

Megaforce:  When you put all your points into charisma, no one cares that you’re wearing spandex and a headband.

It was probably every kid’s dream to be part of some sort of elite unit where they get to fuck shit up against impossible odds by straight up kicking ass. If you ever got to choose your elite team, ninjas would fuck shit up with ninja suits and stealth and stab fools with katanas. Or you would lead that western posse and save the day with pistols and pure backbone. Maybe you just wanted to shoot down Migs or take down those bastard Nazi's. Out of all the kids in the world, there might have been two or three who wanted to be part of Megaforce, an elite unit that saves the day in spandex, smiles, and does sick wheelies in their rocket equipped dirt bikes.

Ace's thumb is cooler than all of Megaforce's lasers combined.

When the movie starts, shit is going down in some bullshit part of the world. This kinda pisses off some old British military officer and a superhot commander who wants a Cease and Desist on the crap this mercenary, Duke Guerera, is pulling. They need shit taken care of and “the only phantom Army of super elite fighting men, whose weapons are the most powerful science can devise,” that can take care of that asshole is Megaforce. Megaforce is kinda like G.I. Joe, except they wear these weird ass spandex jumpsuits with some Darth Vader circuitry on their chest, ride dirt bikes and armored dune buggies with lightning graphics, and smile a lot. It's like they are trying to get in some sweet jumps at the dunes before their aerobics workout. Leading this “super elite team of fighting men” is Ace Hunter who -keep your panties on for a minute ladies- is more charming than Jude Law when he had hair, AND he has the balls to pull off a fucking fluorescent blue headband. Ace not only manages to show off how much of a group of bad asses they are with their laser beams and super sweet paintjobs, he also takes some time to show off that sexy chest hair. This naturally makes the superhot commander's panties wet like a dirty mop and creates the romance subplot. Complicating what should be a movie about lasers and sick wheelies is that Ace and Guerera are also friends. After fucking up Guerera’s forces, some dumb plot twist happens where the old British guy fucks Megaforce over and they’re stuck out in the desert having to plow through the remainder of Guerera’s tank force. If you think that's a problem for Megaforce, then you are out of your fucking mind. They manage to fuck shit up and have the most intricate and stupid coordinated dirt bike smoketrail ever done in film. All manage to make it to the plane waiting for them except for Ace who steals the scene by turning his bike into a fucking jet and landing in the plane midair. Since charisma is where Ace put all his points, even Guerera gives him a thumbs up.

This is the only time the word "rad" is appropriate.

If thumbs up were weapons, Megaforce would be the fucking deadliest force in the world. Remember the thumbs up in Top Gun? Maverick doesn't have shit on Ace. Motherfucker is like the Wyatt Earp of the thumbs up. If Megaforce went up against SEAL Team Six, that shit would turn into the tagline for Aliens vs. Predator, “Whoever wins, we lose.” The combined onslaught of thumbs up, arm clasps, and friendly banter would be too much to contain and could go nuclear. It would be like walking into Woodstock if everyone was in Special Forces and danced to folk music.

The lightning graphics make the vehicles go faster and assist in Megaforce's sick stunts, bro.

At the end, when Megaforce is heading towards their extraction point on the plane, Ace manages some time with Guerera on top of his tank before he makes his climatic escape. “I just wanted to say good-bye and remind you that the good guys always win, even in the eighties.” Ace smiles and pops a cigar into Guerera’s mouth as he takes off. Looking back, I can't really remember a time when anyone in Megaforce even frowned or looked pissed. Look, I fucking get it. If I had a fucking dirt bike that could turn into a jet or had access to laserbeams I'd be smiling even while scrubbing toilets and thinking of all the G.I. Joe shit I'd be pulling. The problem, aside from the fucking spandex, is that no one wants to see a happy squad. They want to see hard motherfuckers enduring hell and then somehow crawling out of it all bloodied and victorious. But then again, maybe they are all happy because of jetbikes and laserbeams. If you look at it that way, then fuck it. I wanna join Megaforce.