Kazaam

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Written by KTP

Kazaam:  Let’s face it. If Shaq showed up at your party rapping with a boombox spitting out diamonds…

People seem to forget that Shaq is not only a monster of a man, but he is also one of the greatest centers in NBA history. While being named Rookie of the Year, he almost singlehandedly brought the dogshit record of the Orlando Magic to a very respectable level. He even managed to take them to the finals in 1995. After getting injured and becoming a free agent in the 95-96 season, the Lakers started knocking on his door. With a lucrative NBA career at his feet and even a platinum rap album under his belt, Shaq did what most people would kill for a chance at. He took seven million dollars to star as a rapping genie stuck in a boombox and kick Middle Eastern henchmen in the chest.

Of course he's going to blow his first wish on candy product endorsements. He's not stupid. He wants to get paid.

Max is one of those “loveable” troublemaking kids that consistently walks the line between annoying as fuck and adorably naïve. He also loves being an annoying little shit to his single mother who is flirting with the concept of marrying her boyfriend, who is probably the best stepdad a kid could ever have. Max, of course, is not having any of that common sense shit and takes off in a huff and discovers Shaq who is stuck in a boombox and calling himself Kazaam for some reason. There are some wishes that he can grant and Max, being a typical kid, blows them all on stupid shit. All of this is just filler for a plot based on the importance of family. Max has to learn for himself that his real dad is just a loser caught up in get rich schemes involving bootleg cassette tapes. It all works out in the end with free hot chocolate in middle of the street and Shaq being free to get a job.

"Look kid. You can talk shit about the Magic, Shaq Diesel, or even my big ass feet, but if you diss my fucking hat, I will Kazaam your fucking face."

I think that there is some sort of meta plot thing going on with Shaq being self aware of his whole rapping genie thing. You see, while Max is off on his quest to fully understand how shitty his dad is, Shaq is busy exploring his rap career at the local night clubs. After a fight with Max, he’s busy fawning over the cheers of the crowd. “Listen to this crowd. They love me. I own them.” “You don’t own them.” “Say what?” “You don’t get it do you.” At this point, the sleezy Middle Eastern Malik starts to fawn all over Kazaam purring about sultan’s gold. If this is some sort of reference to Shaq’s own rap career, then this shit is fucking genius.

"Bet you wish you could ask Kazaam to grant you 4 championship rings don't you, you little shit. Kiss em'."

Kazaam is rated as one of the worst films ever made, but I think that's being a bit too harsh. Most criticism lies with someone thinking a film about a rapping genie would be a good idea and someone turning that idea into a screenplay. Out of all the movies here on Shitty Cinema, this one isn’t really that bad in comparison. When questioned why he did the film, Shaquille O’Neil gave the greatest and most honest answer of anyone in that situation. "I was a medium-level juvenile delinquent from Newark who always dreamed about doing a movie. Someone said, 'Hey, here's $7 million, come in and do this genie movie.' What am I going to say? No? So I did it." The movie should have ended with the camera following Shaq to his mansion, him diving into a Jacuzzi filled with hundred dollar bills, and flipping off the camera. Sultan’s gold, bitches.