American Ninja 2

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Written by KTP

American Ninja 2:  There’s enough Steve James for me not to care that ninjas run around on the beach.

With ninja summer camps, ninja lasers, and Steve James stealing scenes, American Ninja redefined ninja movies in the U.S. even if the redefinition was fucking dumb. American Ninja 2: Confrontation ups the ante with even more Joe and Curtis bro-ing it out, beating the shit out of ninjas and confronting a secret diabolical plan foot-to-face style. Only the sheer power and prowess of Joe and Curtis can see themselves through their most treacherous and stupid adventure yet.

You see that look? That shit is bottled envy.

Joe and Curtis are assigned to (random tropical island) to help the Marine Corps figure out why the hell their men are disappearing. Before we dive into the cheese, we have to first walk around the fact that this movie has the WORST depiction of Marines I have ever seen. Yes, even worst that John Cena’s The Marine. There is no one in uniform, no one performs any really job or duty, and they all just sit around like your friend’s mom on welfare. If you just pretend that this is some sort of retarded bizarro version of the Marines, you can step around the bullshit to get to the ninjas. Yes, ninjas are back and they are the assholes kidnapping the Marines for some ultra secret experiment. They are lead by this Mexican with a lazy eye who they keep calling Japanese for some reason. I think they got this guy from the budget villain store since this asshole is laser free unlike his superior predecessor Black Star from the first movie. Naturally, this takes a lot of ass kicking from Joe and as much scene time for Curtis to show off his muscles to get to the bottom of. It’s revealed that the owner of the island is stealing men for his SuperNinja program where the men are loaded into tubes, *insert magic*, and out come instant ninjas. The two shut this shit down and manage a happy ending. There’s some subplots about a scientist’s daughter and some dude’s wife getting kidnapped, but I don’t give a shit about any of that when ninjas are flying all over the place.

I guess they couldn't afford the blue or the yellow ninjas in the sequel. Fucking budget cuts.

This shit was stolen from some 6th grader’s journal or something since a program to make instant ninjas sounds pretty fucking sweet. Dude, you wouldn’t have to kidnap me. Just tell me, “Stand in the ninja tube and take a nap to be a badass.”, and I’m fucking in. Well, maybe not a badass since they all get their fucking shit pushed in through the whole movie, but you might manage to get a sweet costume out of it. What’s even fucking crazier is that I don’t think they told Steve James (Curtis) he’s just the sidekick. Every scene he’s trying to steal or take off his clothes to show off. I know Joe is supposed to be the American Ninja dressed up in the black pajamas, but I don’t know what Steve is trying to do in that Rambo/Bruce Lee getup. It’s like watching someone have an identity crisis on film. It’s great.

Steve James doesn't give a fuck if he pisses off the entire Marine Corps to do it. He will get his fight scenes in looking sweet.

Seriously, this film fucking sucks, but it sucks like a shitty parallel version of the Fast and Furious films. Not that American Ninja has any right to stand next to Fast and Furious and not that the bar is really that high to begin with but it’s shitty in an endearing way. I need closure from this bullshit and ninja tubes with Japanese Mexicans aren’t going to fix this. I need to see this bullshit until the bitter end, God help me. There’s three more of these fucking things. I’ll see you all on the other side.