Masters of the Universe

Masters of the Universe:  Comradery through fried chicken, synth-pop, and laser whips.

Fish out of water movies tend to be fucking stupid. There are a few exceptions, like the Back to the Future series or Just Visiting, but usually they suck. Most if not all of them portray a main character as comic relief, always in shock from how other people behave in another time or place. In this regard, Masters of the Universe does not give a fuck. You want to base your movie on a cartoon depicting the struggle between a living skeleton’s army and a heroic band of renegades in the middle of Anytown, USA? Fine. He-man won’t let your stupid plot get in the way of being a master of the motherfucking universe. He’ll just use the remaining budget to shove his boot up Skeletor’s ass.

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The Wiz

The Wiz:  One of the most unintentionally terrifying movies ever made.

Probably one of the stupidest decisions in this site's history was to ask others what would be a good pick for the latest addition to Shitty Cinema. Out of a list of horribly rated films from the last 30 years that included Masters of the Universe and Weekend at Bernie's II, the Wiz sat on the corner of the page like a tick on the underside of a dog just waiting to be picked...and it was. I scowled when I hit play thinking of all the fun I could have had laughing at a Bernie's animated corpse portrayed by a man with what could only be described as cerebral palsy. The movie is 2 hours and 14 minutes and I sat through all of it. I was assaulted by the never-ending onslaught of musical numbers that were almost back-to-back. I hate musicals.

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Iron Eagle

Iron Eagle:  Hardcore ultra-nationalist teenagers undermine the American military with the power of Queen.

Iron Eagle seems to be the forgotten bastard child of combat flight films even though it predated the much celebrated and arguably superior Top Gun. Top Gun was the story of a highly skilled Navy pilot being a little rebellious shit who questioned his own sexuality while showing the Russians who was on top. It featured Kenny Loggins and volleyball. It was also good. Iron Eagle, on the other hand, is the perfect movie for kids that doodled fighter planes on their trapper keepers. It features a teenagers creating their own military operation through the theft of classified documents, espionage, and social engineering that aims to rescue a downed pilot from “Bilya”, a father to our main character. This was filmed during in the mid 80's during the obvious tension between America and the Libya and was probably used by the Soviets as propaganda to show how utter retarded and inept the U.S. Air Force was. Please allow me to explain this fucking treasonous instructional video.

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