Kazaam
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- Created on Sunday, 13 September 2015 14:26
- Written by KTP
Kazaam: Let’s face it. If Shaq showed up at your party rapping with a boombox spitting out diamonds…
People seem to forget that Shaq is not only a monster of a man, but he is also one of the greatest centers in NBA history. While being named Rookie of the Year, he almost singlehandedly brought the dogshit record of the Orlando Magic to a very respectable level. He even managed to take them to the finals in 1995. After getting injured and becoming a free agent in the 95-96 season, the Lakers started knocking on his door. With a lucrative NBA career at his feet and even a platinum rap album under his belt, Shaq did what most people would kill for a chance at. He took seven million dollars to star as a rapping genie stuck in a boombox and kick Middle Eastern henchmen in the chest.
Bio Dome
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- Created on Saturday, 29 August 2015 16:10
- Written by KTP
Bio-Dome: Any love for California created from Point Break was destroyed by Pauly Shore.
The true story of Biosphere 2’s scientific failure is fascinating on its own. It was designed as a self-sustaining ecosystem complete with insects, animals, and agriculture sealed off from the rest of the world in an attempt to see if the colonization of Mars was possible. Disaster started from the get go. There were problems sustaining oxygen due to the concrete actually absorbing it. A majority of the insect population died off with the rise of an indigenous species of ants and cockroaches. The crew wasn’t able to sustain their food production and had to kill off their livestock who were becoming competition for existing food stores. Social tensions within the group split them within six months to the point where they were barely able to work together. To further compliment a massive shit show, two members of the of the first mission tried to break out the crew of the second mission only to find out they never wanted out to begin with now that the second team was armed with competent management and researchers. It’s sad really that instead of making a film chronicling this massive $150 million fuck up, they chose instead to showcase a fucking moron prancing around for an hour and a half speaking mongoloid.
Howard the Duck
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- Created on Sunday, 26 July 2015 12:54
- Written by KTP
Howard the Duck: This is what happens when the Lucas House of Ideas runs loose.
Most people forget about all the bullshit ideas that ran through George Lucas’s head in his career. Sure, this is the guy that brought us Star Wars and Indiana Jones. I’ll even go so far as saying his work on Willow and Labyrinth are worth mentioning. The problem is that when his creative genius goes unchecked, a lot of film diarrhea gets splashed on the big screen. His most famous fuck ups could be considered the Star Wars prequels, the limp dicked Crystal Skull, and the whitewashed Ewok films. Off to the side in Lucas’s embarrassing corner was the running joke that may not be as damning as the atrocities of the prequels, but horrible enough to earn him his own little pet name amongst the Hollywood elite.
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