Super Mario Bros.

Super Mario Bros:  It’s like watching a plane filled with Christmas toys crash into a fire truck that’s putting out an orphanage fire in July.

Super Mario Brothers was the game that put Nintendo in the spotlight and helped the company dominate the video game market. 1990 saw the release of Super Mario World for the SNES that was better in every way than the three NES games before it. It was only natural that someone would want to cash in on that shit in the film industry. This eventually led to Nintendo placing the trust of handling their prized mascot into the hands of two music video directors and a screenwriter that wrote about 2 million people getting killed in Cambodia. It went as well as you would have expected. Super Mario Bros. became one of the worst reviewed films of all time and caused Nintendo to never release a movie since its release. While the movie is seemingly the final nail in the coffin for Mario in film, it sure as hell wasn’t the first.

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The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie:  A movie for kids with sing-alongs, boogers, and tits.

If you were a kid growing up in the 80's, you know how much a big fucking deal the Garbage Pail Kids were. They were trading cards featuring some pun of a name (Adam Bomb, Booger Barry, Ali Gator) attached to nightmarish art of gross out characters. Some schools outright banned them since most 5th grade kids thought Leaky Lindsey, a girl parading a string of boogers from her nose, was more interesting than their math studies. In an effort to cash in on the craze, naturally, there was a movie made. At the time, no one ever imagined what an impact this movie would have on the history of Hollywood. It ended the careers of the director and main villain on its way to becoming one of the worst rated films ever made. It also had the balls to have a “beauty on the inside” message hidden inside a film with kids pissing themselves and fart jokes. If you were a kid, this shit was fucking gold.

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Superman 3

Superman 3:  I would have pictured Superman as more of a Jack Daniels kind of guy..

Superman, the film, introduced us the man that made us believe we could fly. Well, maybe not you or me since we aren't from Krypton, but it had decent enough special effects to make us wish we could. Christopher Reeve knocked it out of the park with his portrayal of the bubbling, accident-prone Clark Kent and then with the heroic and confident Superman. Gene Hackman was a pretty good Lex Luthor if you're okay with a greedy version of a millionaire megalomaniac. The second, pitted Superman against evil Kryptonians where he kicks their asses in the end using the ole’ tough guy handshake. The third film, while not the worst in the series features an evil Superman that drinks Red Label, Richard Pryor, and a cyborg. It's a wreck, but it explores the possibility of a Superman that just gets sick over everyone's shit. Hell man, if you could fly anywhere why wouldn't you stop off at a bar?

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