Highlander 2

Highlander 2:  How did my sword fight porn turn into a shitty sci-fi film?

In 1986, it was a fight to the death in the box office. You had movies like Platoon, Stand By Me, Top Gun, Aliens, Cobra, and Ferris Bueller's Day Off trying to punch each other to death for number one. This was also the year that Big Trouble In Little China and Back to School came out and a movie trying to stand apart had to be special and unique. So a movie where immortals try to chop off each other's heads with two handed swords just might do the trick. Highlander was this and more with an over the top performance by Sean Connery and one of the best soundtracks for a movie ever made by Queen. Even Clancy Brown as the villain was memorable as Highlander elbowed and cut its way through to be one of the greats. Then, the sequel came to be and the end result was about as horrible as a lactose intolerant man pounding chocolate milk on a hot summer day. Shit got everywhere.

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Santa with Muscles

Santa With Muscles:Coming at you with a Hogan leg drop, while screaming “Straight from the North Pole, brother!”


You can easily put the blame the Hulkster's recent run of bad luck on any number of things. From his cunt of an ex-wife taking most of his cash to his stupid fuck-up of a son wrecking that Lambo and debilitating someone for life, I just really think it all boils down to a misstep in 1996. Something happened that year that turned the Real American into a dark, warped, dyed goatee wearing creepster. It turned the lovable wrestling hero that managed to take down Andre the Giant into the twisted persona of Hollywood Hogan and helped move things into a weirder direction. Whether it was some dark ritual, the stars aligning wrong, or Hogan just shaking hands with the wrong person remains unclear. What is clear though, is the stain on the careers of several actors left by the train wreck that was Santa with Muscles.

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Thankskilling:  More fun than sitting naked in a tub of Tabasco and glass shavings, but barely.

It’s the year 1621. The film introduces a woman running through the woods in a Quaker outfit running from some unknown pursuer with her tits spilling out of her outfit. I don't know why she's got her tits hanging out, but I think that some sort of inside joke.  Anyway, the tits bounce around for a considerable amount of time when she trips and falls on said tits. Then we get to the assailant who is a freakish puppet turkey. Holding a tomahawk and about to deliver the killing blow, he growls, “Nice tits, bitch.” I have to disagree. They were OK tits. Like if someone showed you their tits at a party, you would probably say, “Nice tits, bitch.” However, this is the fucking movies. Nice doesn’t fucking cut it. We need great tits. Oh well.

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