Furious 7

Furious 7:  How a franchise fueled by fast cars, NOS, and biceps created one of the most emotional scenes on film.

I remember watching The Fast and the Furious back in the day and wrote it off as that car flick with one pretty well done action scene and a douche vibe layered on top. This was shit that you watched while wearing your Affliction shirt, drinking Miller, and smacking your girl's ass in front of your friends. It wasn't until three days ago that a decision to watch ALL of the films prior to the seventh had been decided. Delving into one of the worst named series in the history of cinema closely followed by Step It Up and Friday, it turned into a strange journey.

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Chappie:  An action packed Short Circuit reboot featuring Die Antwoord and robot porn.

Neill Blomkamp loves Sharlto Copley. I mean he fucking LOVES him. Ever since the duo broke serious ground with District 9, you can almost hear “When you're the Best of Friends” playing in the distance ever since. There's good reason for it as Sharlto acts as the salesman convincing the audience of the worlds that Neill builds. This next pitch is Chappie, a film about a child-like AI housed in police robot's body and raised by the bizarre duo of Die Antwoord. Does it sound like Short Circuit 3? Yes. Does it work? Mostly, yes.

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50 Shades of Grey

50 Shades of Grey:  A heart felt love story where a man attempts to create the world's most expensive prostitute.

This was probably the most awkward ticket buying experience I have ever went through second to tagging along with a friend to watch the Powder Puff Girls movie. What was even more awkward, for other people at least, was my appearance. I had almost killed a liter bottle of whiskey the night before and had that Nick Nolte look of anguish purchasing my ticket. What was more awkward were the stares from the number of women in their 40's and 50's with their “Yes, dear.” husbands as a guy who looks like he stumbled into the wrong adult movie theater finds his seat alone. Alone. I sat there from opening to closing watching this thing trying to understand what the hype was about. So how was it? For a movie about S&M, it pretty fucking boring and tame.

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