Captain Marvel

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Written by KTP

Captain Marvel:  The movie about a likable field agent and an adorable cat is finally here!

This controversy surrounding this movie is a garbage pile of stupid, littered with manufactured outrage, gender politics, and review bombing before the movie ever came out.  It’s hard to tiptoe through the feminist outrage and fandom gripes that add on to the internet vomitorium and watch the movie objectively.  The OUTRAGE/BURNED culture that we all have been wallowing in has spilled into just about everything we love coating all in sticky shit. It makes it difficult to boil away the bullshit to try to figure out if the flying girl from space that can shoot things out her hands has a good movie. 

KAME HAME HA...

Captain Marvel stars Brie Larson (Vers/Carol Danvers/Captain Marvel). As a member of Starforce (I'm not kidding) that is like Special Forces for blue aliens called the Kree, Vers has no idea of her past. While she struggles handling this plot device, her team operates hunting other green shape-shifting aliens known as the Skrulls. Jude Law who is not blue for some reason, acts as a mentor and commanding officer to Vers. He always advises caution and restraint for some stupid reason when Brie tries to use her superhuman abilities. When a mission goes tits up when Vers doesn't blow everything up with her as would anyone else in that situation, Vers finds herself on Earth hunting the Skrulls who themselves are hunting for tech on the planet. Vers eventually teams up with Nick Fury and a cat. Over the course of the adventure, she discovers her past, what the Skrulls are really up to, and that nobody can tell her nuffin'. She goes super saiyan and saves the day as Captain Marvel while giving the message to believe in yourself even if society treats you like a woman.

The 90's is a theme in the film, but I don't think you'll care.

Brie Larson makes exactly three faces in the film. You have stoic face which is the majority of the time. Sometimes this is also her joke face. There is squishy face that only happens when she's mad and about to fuck shit up which doesn't happen as much as you want it too. Then she smiles. There's probably only two times that I can remember and one was in a flashback. I don't know if this a problem with the script or Larson's acting, but she feels unlikeable in the film. She's like the Punisher that doesn't kill anyone and is holding in a fart. This is heightened by pairing her with a charismatic Sam Jackson. The movie constantly has Jackson throwing fun banter which should be an enjoyable back and forth between characters falls flat as the ball rolls past Brie. Guess which face she has on those times. She did smile when she was washing dishes. I’m not sure if anyone caught that snafu.

If you manage to stick around long enough, there's some jokes with a cat!

The ultimate message seems to be to believe in yourself and push your limits even when everyone tells you what you can and can't do. This message is honestly refreshing in a superhero film. The delivery, however, is anything but subtle and all over the goddamn place. For one, ever single person telling Carol she can't do something is a man. A man tells she's got to watch her powers. A man tells her to smile. A male voice tells her not to race too fast (what?). Her old man yells at her for playing with boys. Don't say “young lady” or Carol's sidekick will get pissed. She can't fly combat missions because she is a girl. Carol beats the shit out of people to the song “Just a Girl”. It finally boils up to several montages of her falling down until she has enough of that shit and unleashes her full potential. Since almost all of it is told in flashbacks, there is no real character growth once she turns into flying punchy girl and makes it hard to give a shit about it all.

For all it's faults, it's not complete dogshit. The film does have its moments and some decent twists to keep you from nodding off. Ultimately, this a film about a flying woman beating people up. For that you can do much worse, but once the dust clears, all you are left with is filler before the big Endgame.