Fantastic Four vs. Dragonball Z: R

Details

Written by KTP

Fantastic Four vs. Dragonball Z:R Put in a deep pit and forced to fight their way out, who comes out on top?

This week, we are taking two sets of heroes and pushing them head to head. In one corner, we have the second reboot of the Fantastic Four, a family that inherited superpowers from a cosmic accident that works together to save the world. Reed Richards big brain is complimented by his hot wife, the Human Torch, and the Thing who punches things a lot. Fighting in the other corner is Dragonball Z, which has an insane history coupled with an equally insane amount of VHS tapes. Goku and friends work to train hard and fight threats to Earth by punching people through rock and shooting energy blasts that could power a major city for years. Let’s break it down and see who comes out on top.

Plot

F4: Four young scientists and a friend get superpowers after an experiment with dimensional travel goes wrong. The guy who was left behind became a super asshole and tries to destroy Earth with a bootleg stonehedge. It’s up to the others to work together and stop his shit.

DBZ:R: Frieza, a bug looking guy with a tail that got chopped up by a dude named Trunks, gets wished back into existence from a wish from a dragon god after all the dragonballs got collected. Yeah. So Frieza enacts his revenge by unleashing 1000 of his warriors as a prefight until the super saiyan warriors Goku and Vegeta show up. It’s essentially Goku/Vegeta vs. Ultimate Frieza.

Winner: DBZ:R- There’s like less than a minute of backstory if you are trying to play catch up to the already fucking bananas plot. F4 is the second origin story that no one wanted.

These two were designed for kicking the shit out of things.  

Heroes

F4: Four young friends that eventually overcome adversity through science, teamwork, and having dumb superpowers. There’s a dude that can stretch his arms and is supposed to be super smart but only makes a teleporter things that keeps fucking up. There’s Kate Mara who plays a chick that can turn invisible. Her performance was slightly better than her getting run over by a train in House of Cards. You have rock candy monster that’s pretending to be a shitty version of the Thing and black Johnny Storm.

DBZ:R: Goku and Vegeta who have spent the previous time beating the shit out of each other have to work together not only to get “TO THE NEXT LEVEL” in training, but to take down the super powerful villain. Every character comes from a world where punching people through mountains is called Tuesday and spend most of their time working on their martial art gains. If these two get really mad, their hair turns blue and landscape gets fucked up.

Winner: DBZ:R- Some dude said ”Kamehameha” and a light showed up that fucked up a ton of people.

Mr. Fucking Light Bright over here.  

Villains

F4: Dr. Doom is botched again. He looks like that bitch that got sucked into that machine in Superman III except with CGI and LEDs glued on him. Has gravity powers and does a kinda cool Akira walk through a lab which is the best part of the movie. Gets beaten up by a giant rubber band guy and the Thing.

DBZ:R: Frieza looks like the Joker fucked a body building bug. Was known for blowing up most of the Saiyan race and getting killed a second time by a guy named Trunks. Gets stronger by the Japanese interpretation of evolution which is easily explained with Pokemon and pushups. Gets the shit kicked out of him by Goku.

Winner: DBZ:R- Barely. Frieza won’t shut up about how he’s going to beat the shit outta everyone but everyone knows that he’s going to get his face smashed in. Dr. Doom is played by the guy that played the moron in Dawn of the Planet of the apes.

The Thing looks like he's trying to hold in a massive shit.  

Best Lines

F4: Victor Domashev: The end of your world... is the beginning of mine!

DBZ:R: Vegeta: It's cheese!

Winner: DBZ:R

Best Action Scene

F4: In probably the only cool scene in the film, Doom walks through a lab full of people while killing them without making a gesture.

DBZ:R: Frieza punches Goku through 100 meters of earth and them throws dozens of explosive energy balls at him.

Winner: DBZ:R- If Doom didn’t look like a mongoloid version of the Marvel character in that scene, F4 would have taken it. Too bad that was the only good scene in the movie. DBZ:R had a ton of awesome shit in the prefights.

Conclusion

While there are a few scenes that try to save it from not being dogshit, F4 manages to miss it by landing into a giant bed of used kitty litter. It doesn’t help that it was rumored that the director was high during several days of filming, was fired, and had to have a ghost director finish the project. You can tell someone tried to fix it, but the bullshit bleeds through. On the other hand, DBZ:R manages to not suck by trimming off what makes Dragonball bad, throwing in a ton of fan service, humor, and fun action. You don’t have to know what the fuck is going on to have a good time.

Fantastic Four fantastically eats the dick while DBZ: R beats it like a slave.