How It Ends

How It Ends:  Let me save you an hour and and fifty-three minutes. You never find out.

With Netflix’s strategy of throwing garbage against the wall to see what sticks, How It Ends sticks in the worst way possible. It is shit, yes, but shit thrown against the wall in a glorious display. You marvel at how well it did manage to stick. You slowly nod in appreciation of the splash patterns, the attention to detail at how it covered the wall. The lies you tell yourself as your gaze wonders to all the other shit that has fallen to the ground leaving a disgusting stained wall. The Cloverfield Paradox, Bright, Tau, Death Note, Titan, and that horrible diarrhea spray called Mute all just clump up on the floor to be forgotten. But not How It Ends. It’s not falling off hanging stuck like an unwelcome guest that won’t leave, and that is making you angry. This is the last fucking straw. Who put that shit on my wall? Who is the motherfucker that had the fucking balls to not just call this shit science fiction, but call this something that is supposed to resemble a fucking movie? Whoever is handling quality control at Netflix, I hate you more than black licorice and that asshole corrections officer in the Green Mile. I haven’t been this mad over a movie in a long time. Fuck you.


Four wheel drive can’t save you from a retarded-ass script.

The plot is the biggest slap in the face.  Out of town MAIN LEAD finds out the world is going apeshit by SOMETHING and tries to get to his distant pregnant wife.  Since he kind of a pussy and bubbling idiot, father-in-law and wannabe badass Forrest Whitaker set off on a roadtrip to rescue her.  On their journey, we discover the world is filled with dickheads, Forrest Whitaker gun scenes, the one actress who knows what acting means, and ambiguous clues as to what the SOMETHING is.  More shit happens and Ghost Dog dies. MAIN LEAD sets off alone finding more evidence about the SOMETHING until he finally meets his preggo wife shacked up in a remote house with his previous neighbor.  Neighbor speculates about what the SOMETHING is while MAIN LEADS spurgs the fuck out. He actually utters the lines, “Well, in the end, it doesn’t really matter, I guess….We all have to live right?” It actually tries to prepare the viewer for the stupid fucking ending.  Do you ever figure out what the SOMETHING is? Nope. He later shoots the neighbor and drives off with his wife in tow.

Every chance to put a picture of Ghost Dog from his jaw-dropping samurai/ninja epic, I’m going to do it.

The plot is the worst offender but creeping up to second place is the forgettable cast.  You might have seen them all in some small role somewhere else doing something that resembles acting.  This is par for course in sci-fi movies where the plot usually carries the film along, but since that is dogshit you are left with nothing to grab on to.  At least the Cloverfield Paradox had likable characters go down with the dumb plot. “But wait. What about Forrest “Left Eye” Whitaker?” Yes. The man can act.  When he sets down with the right script, he is damn good. The problem is that he only takes two types of movies; one’s that can show off his acting and those where he tries to convince you he’s a badass.  Guess which category this is in.

”Can you explain my purpose in the story? Ok. Well. Fuck it. A check is a check.”

The only thing of value was the performance of Grace Dove starring as the only interesting character.  Her contribution to the plot is ultimately meaningless unless it’s pointing out how much of a couple of dipshits the MAIN LEAD and Forrest Whitaker are.  Considering how dumb the plot is, it’s not really her fault. She was an actress fortunate enough to get a decently written character and manage to pull it off believably.  Don’t get me wrong, Whitaker is fantastic at dying on screen. The moment where he is wheezing his last breaths and ultimately burned in his own car was a great highlight, but Grace Dove was likable and was probably the only character that felt human.  The third tragedy is why she got billed lower than the other dipshits.

Science fiction always takes big hits in the garbage department.  For fans of the genre, you stick around in the hopes for something interesting or creative.  How It Ends sprinkles bread crumbs to get you to stick around and then slaps you in the mouth for even thinking about some form of payoff.  It’s a betrayal in the worst way for a viewer especially with that title. To all that had a hand in the production, seriously, go fuck yourselves.