50 Shades of Grey

50 Shades of Grey:  A heart felt love story where a man attempts to create the world's most expensive prostitute.

This was probably the most awkward ticket buying experience I have ever went through second to tagging along with a friend to watch the Powder Puff Girls movie. What was even more awkward, for other people at least, was my appearance. I had almost killed a liter bottle of whiskey the night before and had that Nick Nolte look of anguish purchasing my ticket. What was more awkward were the stares from the number of women in their 40's and 50's with their “Yes, dear.” husbands as a guy who looks like he stumbled into the wrong adult movie theater finds his seat alone. Alone. I sat there from opening to closing watching this thing trying to understand what the hype was about. So how was it? For a movie about S&M, it pretty fucking boring and tame.


Ladies, that man's butt is in the movie multiple times. I did not want to see that man's butt.

We are introduced Anastasia; a college student with a fashion sense and attitude that screams, “I have low self-esteem.” She does a favor for a friend to interview the incredibly wealthy Christian Grey. Grey is handsome, controlling, intense, and kind of full of himself which of course causes Anastasia and millions of bored housewives panties to get instantly soaked. Christian also has his interests perked for Ana for some god awful reason. It would be predictable if the guy was just your average narcissistic prick but Christian doesn't want just any girl in his stable. After she signs a non-disclosure agreement for the privilege of seeing his dick, he shows her the “playroom” that showcases all of his bondage toys and even a red leather bed that is probably chosen for the ability to hose off the shame. He even offers her a contract where she would be willing to essentially be his fuck toy for weekends. Ana, for the rest of the movie enjoys flopping between curious and coy at the prospect, but is still needing an emotional connection from the emotionally damaged Grey. Since Grey is a rich controlling asshole, he plays along and tries to sweeten the pot by buying her expensive shit. There are some mild S&M scenes showcasing Anastasia's massive bush, but the game of cat and mouse comes to an end when Grey finally whips Ana a little too hard with a belt. Ana basically tells Grey to fuck off. End Credits.


This movie has a similar problem as Twilight did. A lot of people knock the sparkly vampire shit and it is fucking stupid, but the premise is amazing. An immortal with the body of a teenager that hides by going to a high school. Out of everyone in a fucking high school, the kid chooses the most boring mouth breathing chick that has to pause before and after ever line. YOU ARE A FUCKING VAMPIRE! YOU CAN GET ANY GOTH CHICK YOU WANT! You are Christian Grey. You are a fucking billionaire running a telecommunications company and are perfectly capable of purchasing any variety of women willing to sign any contract you throw at them and perform any deviant act your mind can conjure. Why are mousy English majors your thing? I guess that's the appeal of the books to women where they can transplant themselves into these boring people so that Christian Grey can treat them like a Saudi worker.

"I like you and all but hurry up and sign the contract so I can use your mouth as a toilet."

I will say that from this shit show came probably the greatest movie experience I have ever had. The theater was about half filled and the demographic was mostly older women; some had their husbands in tow. There was a scene where Ana and Christian are going over the fuck toy contract and negotiating certain terms. “We are going to do away with anal fisting. Also vaginal fisting.” Women's laughter murmured through the theater. Those people laughing were probably moms. Moms. Women with children. Did your mom go see 50 Shades of Grey?