Left Behind

Left Behind:  All Dogs Don't Go To Heaven.

Disclaimer:I am about to talk shit on one of the most beloved fundamentalist Christian plotlines ever made. I don't mean to take fire against religion or religion in general....at least not directly. This is not the Passion of the Christ here. This film legitimately blows donkey dick. If you do take offense to my stance, then for starters, you might want to leave since this is actually kind of mild compared to the other shit lining the walls around here. You could also just find it in your heart to....forgive....me?


The Left Behind series takes the events from the bible's book of Revelations and tries to ground the crazy events like the Rapture, the four horsemen, the Anti-Christ, and flying scorpions in a novelized format so we can all see what a religious “End of Days” scenario would pan out. They cover everything from novelizing the Anti-Christ's rise to power, hitting up Armageddon, and trying get all the other weird shit. I don't care if you believe in any religion or not, that shit is cool thing to attempt seeing as a biblical apocalypse would make a badass movie. It's so damn tragic that we will probably never get to see any of this into a film for a long time. As improbable as it is, Left Behind somehow makes the end of days even more boring than the HBO show The Leftovers and has bad on almost all aspects of the movie. Do I need Mel Gibson in here to show you fuckers how it's done?

I think she's pretty, but she makes that ugly fucking face half the movie.

Let's take a deep breath and talk about the plot without punching a small animal. This is a movie strictly about the Rapture when God call all of his believers up into Heaven. You don't get the cool Armageddon stuff here, so let's try to move on. Instead, we get a tale of a family trying to get together after some time apart. We get a girl back from college to wish dad a happy birthday. She is also sick of mom's religious shit. We have Nicholas Cage as Dad, who is a pilot and considering cheating on his wife with a hot blonde because he is kind of sick of her religious shit. We have all-American generic young blonde son that is oblivious to all this. He's not important and is just an excuse for college girl to freak out for a couple of scenes. Then we have Lea Thompson as Mom who is apparently cramming religious shit down there throats. You don't really see it, but they try to show it with the camera panning on her Jesus fish necklace. I need to cut in here really quick. It is one of the saddest things to see Lea Thompson. She is no longer hot Marty's mom from Back To The Future or my preteen supercrush from Spacecamp. Let me drop some of my 40oz in respect for the dearly departed. Things get crazy when the Rapture kicks into gear with Nicholas Dad flying a plane when shit goes down and college daughter dealing with the rest of her lost family and coming to terms with da Jesus. Oh yeah. Most of the movie involves people losing their shit on a plane.

They got the release date wrong, but are you ready to leave your dogs alone to starve to death you selfish assholes?

Now it takes about a third of the movie to get to the actual rapture where the followers of Jesus pull a ninja vanish and leave their clothes behind. Apparently, all the kids in the world get a free pass to throw up them deuces too. Dogs don't get to go which is fucking bullshit. Muslims are out too. The movie explains with a Muslim still on a plane after the big disappearing act. He is a nice guy in the film, but sorry, Muslim. You're not getting in. Don't feel too bad nice Muslim guy. I don't think that the books let Catholics or Jews get a pass but whatever. We get the rules of the Rapture from a priest that missed out on last call. He explains to college girl that just going to church doesn't get you a ticket to the mothership. You have to believe. This all shown with college girl running through town as everyone immediately turns to looters. Pilot dad who is stuck on a plane the whole fucking movie shows this while dealing with retarded passengers, flying a plane low on fuel, and in an aircraft that the airline thought it was okay to send in the air with faulty electronics. It takes three quarters of the movie for the characters to figure out what is going on while films goers already knew the score buying a ticket.

"Hey, Pilot Dad? If you aren't going to flip your shit can I just take a nap for a while? Wait you want to talk to me about Jesus? Okay, I guess.

It's not just the plot, rational, and pacing that are dogshit. This film has Sharknado level of special effects. You'll know that scene if you ever see it. If you are here to at least see Nicholas Cage flipping his shit or just Nicholas Cage, you are in for a disappointment. Nicholas Cage flips zero shit in the film and looks like he is sleep walking a paycheck. He does do the trademark fingering his hands through his hair, so you got that going for you ladies. There is a midget on the plane demanding to be taken seriously who ends up being the comic relief. He gets kicked in the ass you immature fucks. It was the only part of the film I enjoyed. It's just that there are too many things that suck with the film, it is almost a new artform how this shit got produced. At the very beginning, there is a philosophical argument between a fundamentalist Christian and college girl questioning why natural disasters happen if there is a God who loves them. This question is oddly never answered in the film but I think I have an explanation. For every sunny day, there's gotta be a few rainy days, right? You see, with movies, you can't have every film a blockbuster like Predator, The Matrix, or Terminator 2. Sometimes you have to line the floor with shit like Catwoman, Pearl Harbor, and Left Behind. Shame on you Left Behind. You made baby Jesus cry.