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Budget Boozing: An Economic Guide for a Leisure Lifestyle

Details: Category: Boozin'; Created on Sunday, 10 August 2014 23:33; Written by Kick The Puppy

Budget Boozing: An Economic Guide for a Leisure Lifestyle

You’re the person that has worked a long week at your dead end job trying to make it to that glorious weekend. You’re also in desperate need of getting fucked up. You open the air conditioned nirvana of that liquor store’s front door and gaze at the army of bottles lined up all seemingly waiting to give you the best stories of your life. But alas, your wallet screams in pain as the top shelf bottles tease you with their smooth deliciousness looking down at the peasant you are. “No!”, you cry out in anger. “FUCK YOU!”, is your battlecry as you grab a dusty bottle from the bottom shelf and raise Excalibur to the sky. The mission is to get trashed, and let no mortal or budget consideration stand between you and alcoholic bliss! Raise your head in spite of the social conventions of these “connoisseurs” or “people of reason”. LET NO MAN, WOMAN, OR BEAST TEAR ASUNDER WHAT YOU HAVE RAISED!

There are a few guidelines for this guide. The first and most important is Everclear is fucking out. Everclear, while being probably the most cost effective alcoholic beverage is also the most dangerous. It’s like the child-molesting uncle of booze. You think you both are having a good time, letting you smoke a cigarette and loaning some porn mags with a wink. Then you wake up with a dick in your ass (alcohol poisoning). You start regularly boozing this and you’ll probably end up in rehab selling your ass for a taste of rubbing alcohol....or dead. Yeah, that would suck.

The second is that the booze can’t be cut other booze. There are a ton of cheap liquors that are blended with grain alcohol (vodka) for cutting cost. You’re better off just getting vodka, rather than some whiskey flavored vodka. No sense in dressing up a dick meat sandwich, slathering on BBQ sauce, and call it the McRib. Just say you want a dick meat sandwich. I won’t judge you. Shit, man. Whiskey flavored vodka could sell. I need a distillery. Fuck.

Beer

Cheap beer is easy, but those that have developed a herculean tolerance for it could have a problem. The first solution would be the 40oz. The “FOte” as it is eloquently called handles the cheap volume solution. Any will do from Mickey’s to Old “E”. Your FOte should be consumed quickly as it is easy for the bottom to get warm really quick. THERE SHOULD NOT EVER BE LEFTOVERS FROM YOUR FOte! Drinking the FOte quickly should compensate for the lack of alcohol content.

Their costumes may be as economic as their FOtes. They are true masters of efficiency.

High gravity beers fix immediately the low alcohol content lacking in beers. Hurricane and Steel Reserve are the biggest out there. You also have the Four Loko which someone figured out how to volumize Robotussin. The problem with all of these is they taste like shit. Luckily you won’t care about the taste after the first one. For your Four Loko shit, you can kinda take out the cough syrup taste by diluting it(HERESY) a little with water.

Wine

Wine is already cheap and has a decent enough alcohol content which almost has effect of reverse snobbery. Here we have the champs Charles Shaw (3 Buck Chuck), MD 20/20 (Mad Dog), Carlo Rossi (Jug Wine), and Thunderbird battling it out in a deathmatch for people too good for beer or the hootch. I keed. I keed. The winner must go to the Franzia Red due to it’s insane amount of 5 liters, 13.5% alcoholic content, and the fact you can rip that shit out of the box and space bag that fucker.

Future NASA Applicant

Whisky

Oh, Kentucky Deluxe. Fuck you. I lived a lie for years downing you thinking you were the all in all for budget whiskey. Turned out you were a cheating bitch fooling around with those natural grains. Instead the crown must fall to Old Crow. While being cheap, it still manages to taste like Jim Beam’s younger brother and be a decent mix with coke.

Rum

The sugary and overpriced drink of choice sorority girls and people who watched Pirates of the Caribbean too many times. By some sort of the dark arts and sugar mastery, rum is cheap as fuck. If you ever in a bind and need to get loaded on that sweet booze, the you better get your ass to Captain Ron. Ron Rio is the way to go and was even cheaper than our budget vodka. Sail away, bitches.

Vodka

It’s easy to mass produce, goes with just about anything, and it even has medicinal uses as an anesthetic and disinfectant. This is one of the toughest and most contested fights for the cheapest that you can get. Finding cheap vodka in a liquor store is about as tough to find as a poverty in Detroit. This is compounded by whatever vegetable fusion flavored vodka is currently on sale due to the owner trying clear it from their inventory. While there are a ton of different brands, Popov is the close finisher. This one is chosen due to it’s availability, consistency in price (over/under 10 bucks), and a pure retarded volume at 1.75ml. It is an almost hollow title though as some stores will sell different brands like Heaven Hill or Bartons at a cheaper rate. When in doubt, trust your gut and buy in bulk.

This bear is the undisputed master of the leisurely arts.

Tequila

I don’t really touch this shit anymore. Not that tequila is bad, but more, “I don’t want to go to jail shooting pistols in the air with no pants. “ While there are a shit ton of tequila that’s dirt cheap, it’s not 100% agave which is the real determining factor in not being Mexican mouthwash. This means not fucking cheap, but most you can find in the $20ish range. There is one that is about as elusive as bigfoot but goes for under $10 bucks a liter. If you can find the elusive bottle of Tres Alegres Compadres then you take a goddamn picture of that shit for proof and buy an armload.

Look. When you have the cash to spend, treat yourself to a decent bottle every once in a while...all while looking down at the bottom shelf in distain. And while you laugh, there may be a small thought that pops in your head. I can get three of those shitty bottles for the price of one of this quality brand. The laughing slows as the gears turn. You’re second guessing yourself aren’t you. It’s okay. When you drive home with those three bottles you can just get fucked up longer and won’t have to go to the liquor store for a while. Smart thinking. You’re so smart that you now have enough for a nice little nightcap after a shitty day at work. It’s okay. You’ve earned it. And when they start questioning your performance and punctuality, you can use that liquid courage to say, “Fuck ‘em”. It’s okay. That severance package wasn’t too bad either. Should be able to float for a month while you find something else. You can also stock up on some budget booze in the meantime, since you never know. And so what if your wife kicks you out on the street. “Fuck em.” It’s okay. you got a car and a dream. With your cheap hootch riding shotgun, the sky's the limit. And if you get in a wreck and find yourself peddling for change on the streets, it’s okay. Now you are armed with the knowledge to booze cheaply, effectively, and without having to degrade yourself with drinking mouthwash. Hold your head up high armed with power of your training and your budget booze buddy. Now nothing can keep you down.