Actraiser:  Why would a god need a hi-score?

For its time, Actraiser was an awesomely weird title for the SNES putting you in the shoes of a god protecting a people who may be dumber than the scientists in Prometheus. In what could've have been just a mediocre action title killing tree people, evil baboons, and armored centaurs, the designers put a strange management game where you help expand your people's cities. Don't get me wrong. I loved bashing the shit outta centaurs with a sword about as big as the character but this weird city management thing made this game unique and pretty fun.


That tree does not give a fuck.

What was even crazier is that the Japanese version had you playing as “God” instead of the U.S. version “Master”. The “Evil One” was called Satan in Japan. I kinda like the idea of God just coming down and straight up fucking monsters up to cleanse the world of evil. Act 2 Verse 1. And the Lord goeth into the dark caverns and avoideth the pit spikes of the wicked. 2. And the Lord saweth the giant man bull with an axe made of gold and spoke, “I smite the oh bouncing bull. Thy wickedness and predictable pattern is at end. 4. The Lord spoke with his sword and it was so.

Since your followers were about as smart as glue-huffers, you had to help plan their stupid town for them. “Master! Master! We can't build homes because bushes are in the way. Can you take care of that for us?” Sure assholes. Daddy will wipe your ass for you. I turned this fucking game into Sim-City. I got rid of every stupid fucking obstacle that I foresaw my mouth breathing yokels would moan about in their stupidity. Trees, bushes, rocks? Smited. Roaming monsters on the map? Smited. I turned their stupid continent into the blueprint for Rome and my gift from these retards? A bundle of wheat. There was not a single virgin or slain calf in sight. All these fucking morons think to put in their giant temple dedicated to my magnificence is shit to make bread with. This is how floods start, motherfuckers.