TV Party!

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Written by KTP

TV Party: We watch TV so you don't have to. Surprise, surprise. Most of it sucks.

In the race to be the next Breaking Bad or Game of Thrones, there officially is too much fucking TV. Here at LTN, we watch it for you. Well, a lot of it anyway. We had to wade through a sea of shit to find a few nuggets of gold and let you know what to watch and what to make fun of your stupid friends for.

The Bastard Executioner

The first 5 minutes of the pilot tell you everything you need to know about the show. Stupid fight scenes, lame gore, boring political intrigue. It’s just like a shitty knockoff of Game of Thrones only shittier. You are better off just rewatching Game of Thrones or, if you are really hard up, check out Vikings.

Verdict: Sucks

The Player

A secret organization gambles on “crimes of the week”. Featuring Wesley Snipes.

Verdict: Sucks

Minority Report

Set years after the movie, the precogs are loose and able to see the future. I can see the future too. It involves a show that won’t get renewed.

Verdict: Sucks

Limitless

“Hey Horatio. Have you heard of this show? It’s called Limitless. It’s based on that movie and it doesn’t suck. This guy takes pills that make him smart, a badass like Jason Bourne, and gets caught up in a crazy murder. You should check it out.”

“On CBS?” ::stands up from crouch:: “If it doesn’t have CSI at the front,” ::puts on glasses:: “they’re gonna need more pills.”

Verdict: Good, but probably will suck in the near future.

Quantico

A crew of really pretty people with DARK SECRETS FROM THEIR PAST from a politically safe cross section of America (unless you are a Mormon, lol) goes through the FBI academy. Their time during the academy, after getting told it’s the toughest course in the world, looks like a well lit summer camp. There’s an even bigger secret that one of them is a terrorist causing 9-11 the sequel. It features gratuitous slow-mo and a shitty soundtrack. 9-11.

Verdict: Sucks.

How to Get Away With Murder

How to not blow your brains out from trying to sympathize with lawyers.

Verdict: Sucks.

Fear the Walking Dead

I’m fucking tired of zombies and couldn’t really stick around for the Walking Dead. However, Fear the Walking Dead is a spin-off depicting LA right before civilization goes to shit with zombies wandering around like Alzheimer patients. It has decent characters and a better setting than some assholes eating canned food in a forest. If you a sick of Daryl dropping shit and Rick spazzing out on his son, it’s a nice change of pace.

Verdict: Decent.

The Muppets

If you don’t like the Muppets, you are everything wrong with America you godless fucking heathen.

Verdict: Good. You fucking heard me.

Blunt Talk

Professor X…uh I mean Jean Luc Pic…..Patrick Stewart. That’s right. Stewart plays an alcoholic, drug abusing newscaster that gets caught with a trannie by police after another substance bender. He then abuses more drugs while embarking on a crusade to get his rep back.

Verdict: Should be good but sucks.

Last Man on Earth

Look, I was right about this show….at least about the first three episodes, then it turned to awkward humor city. I’m telling you right now, I’m sorry for how things turned out. It looks like the show is trying to get back on to where it started with Phil enjoying the benefits of everyone dead except now with his newly wed wife. Here’s to hoping they don’t botch the job.

Verdict: You are rolling the dice on this one, but the premiere shows promise.

Heroes Reborn

Heroes is like the ex-girlfriend that NBC (and countless other people too afraid to admit they secretly like comic books) can’t let go. “Evos” (mutants) are struggling with acceptance when a convention celebrating their acceptance gets blown to hell by two of the most stupidly motivated villains invented. Since the characters are seven shades of boring, it’s the powers and their use in every day society combined with a melodramatic plot make is kind of interesting. The scenes with the Japanese chick going into a video game with a magic sword is fucking retarded though.

Verdict: They won’t be able to blame it on a writer’s strike when it goes to shit, but so far, it’s ok.

Narcos

There’s not a single likable character in the story of Pablo Escobar’s rise to power in the cocaine trade but it doesn’t matter since there’s so much shit happening. Out of all the shows, it’s the one where I didn’t want to dick off on my phone just in case I missed something.

Verdict: Good.