The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

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Written by KTP

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie:  A movie for kids with sing-alongs, boogers, and tits.

If you were a kid growing up in the 80's, you know how much a big fucking deal the Garbage Pail Kids were. They were trading cards featuring some pun of a name (Adam Bomb, Booger Barry, Ali Gator) attached to nightmarish art of gross out characters. Some schools outright banned them since most 5th grade kids thought Leaky Lindsey, a girl parading a string of boogers from her nose, was more interesting than their math studies. In an effort to cash in on the craze, naturally, there was a movie made. At the time, no one ever imagined what an impact this movie would have on the history of Hollywood. It ended the careers of the director and main villain on its way to becoming one of the worst rated films ever made. It also had the balls to have a “beauty on the inside” message hidden inside a film with kids pissing themselves and fart jokes. If you were a kid, this shit was fucking gold.

They look like the kids of Quasimoto that developed Down's syndrome.

The movie takes place in WHOGIVESASHIT, USA where our teenage hero PUBERTY KID gets the shit kicked out of him by ASSHOLE GANG who’s main purpose in life is to extort money from all the other puberty kids. After getting the shit kicked out of him to the point of “holy shit, these motherfuckers might get locked up”, PUBERTY KID goes to his job working with MAGIC MAN. MAGIC MAN has all sorts of worthless shit, including a trashcan filled with the TITLE HEROES. MAGIC MAN tells PUBERTY KID not to fuck with it or else the TITLE HEROES might get out. While PUBERTY KID is making his moves on a much older HOTTIEMCNOTITTIES, ASSHOLE GANG comes in, fucks shit up, knocks PUBERTY KID the fuck out, and then unleashes the TITLE HEROES out into the world. TITLE HEROES are disgusting little shits that are abominations in the eyes of grown adults, but comic relief for all those still trying to figure out how to jerk off to a Sears catalog. PUBERTY KID wants to win the heart of HOTTIEMCNOTITTIES through her interest in breaking into the fashion industry. It's a good thing since TITLE HEROES are fashion experts and can help PUBERTY KID worm his way into HOTTIEMCNOTITTIES panties … I mean heart. HOTTIEMCNOTITTIES tries to exploit PUBERTY KID and TITLE HEROES to advance her career and dreams of selling salvaged clothing in the back of clubs. She ends up in cahoots with ASSHOLE GANG to help her get shitty 80's fashion into a fashion show. TITLE HEROES end up getting drunk at a bar, being total dicks at the movies, and ripping the clothes off of models. MAGIC MAN and PUBERTY KID have a climatic battle at the fashion show to wreck ASSHOLE GANG'S shit. Eventually PUBERTY KID tells HOTTIEMCNOTITTIES to fuck off since he finally understands being exploited by someone with no tits is fucking bullshit. There's some stupid message about beauty on the inside, but I was just glad those fucked up looking TITLE HEROES got the fuck off my screen.

Fix your fucking tie. Jesus, kid. Have some self-respect.

I don't think this movie is anywhere as shitty as people make it out to be, but this shit is still pretty bad. The Garbage Pail Kids are supposed to be these nightmarish versions of the cabbage patch dolls and they did a damn good job of pulling it off as unintentional as it seems. I don't mean that production was successful in making the costumes or special effects gross, I mean that they ran out of money and some sort of retarded optimism thought their costumes would magically look better once they started filming. They looked like Jim Henson went on a glue-huffing binge, stopped giving a shit about life, and decided to half ass a movie about pygmies living in a dumpster. It's also all over the place with the plot, but if you want to search for plot holes in a movie based on gross stickers packaged with even cardboard tasting gum, you may be watching the wrong type of film.

" YOU TALK ANY MORE SHIT ABOUT ERASURE AND I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!"

I think some sort of secretive committee of middle school geniuses planned this movie out. You see, the movie starts out as your typical teenager discovering the Garbage Pail Kids in all their disgusting glory. Then, we have a sing-a-long song, which I think was to lull the adult audiences into thinking their kids were watching an age appropriate film while mommy and daddy fooled around. It's got gross jokes that aren’t that bad, Garbage Pail Kids getting drunk at a bar, committing felonies, and ripping the clothes off of models leaving them screaming in lingerie. So I guess The Evil League of Perverted and Gross Middle School Kids have decided. Tits, chaos, and fart jokes.