Left Behind

Left Behind:  All Dogs Don't Go To Heaven.

Disclaimer:I am about to talk shit on one of the most beloved fundamentalist Christian plotlines ever made. I don't mean to take fire against religion or religion in general....at least not directly. This is not the Passion of the Christ here. This film legitimately blows donkey dick. If you do take offense to my stance, then for starters, you might want to leave since this is actually kind of mild compared to the other shit lining the walls around here. You could also just find it in your heart to....forgive....me?

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Guardians of the Galaxy

Guardians of the Galaxy: A green chick, a tattooed wrestler, Chris Pratt, a tree, and a raccoon walk into a bar...

 

The next in line for Marvel's seemingly unstoppable set of films is Guardians of the Galaxy. Five space outlaws must come together and prevent an evil power from destroying a planet. At a basic level, it's essentially Marvel's bandit comedy version of Star Wars. Is that a bad thing? Nope. Is the film any good? Oh,yes.

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Lucy

Lucy: Scarlet Johannson needs conditioner.

 

I know the man can act. If you ever noticed his performances in Unforgiven or Seven, Morgan Freeman can showcase serious talent on the screen. Over time, and probably due to his old age, he has slowly become the wise old man that everyone secretly wants for a grandfather. He even got everyone to give a shit about penguins for a hour and a half and got away playing God who spent his time mopping floors rather than fix things on Earth. Now we have him playing a scientist (his second this year) setting the stage for using the bullshit “100% of the brain”. His silky smooth voice assuring you that once we unlock the full potential of your brain, we can fly, do some super math, or in the case of Lucy, turn into a fucking space USB. But really, this shouldn't be about the effectiveness of Freeman's voice shutting your brain down when the science comes in. This is about the super sexy Scarlet Johansson fucking everything up with damaged hair.

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