Top Dog

Top Dog:  What do Turner & Hootch and K-9 both have in common? Not having enough roundhouses.

Name one good Chuck Norris movie right now. Go ahead. I'll wait. You were about to say Way of the Dragon weren't you? That shit doesn't count. It's Bruce Lee knocking around Chuck in last fight scene. Delta Force you say? Sucked. Sidekicks? You only liked it because you had a crush on Winnie Cooper from the Wonder Years. Chuck Norris is the king of the shitty action movies with Steven Seagal pudgy ass following closely behind. For this week, we could have gone a much easier route with Forest Warrior. It's the one where Chuck protects a forest as an ancient spirit that can turn into a bear, an eagle, and complimentary sweet roundhouse kicks. Shit. I might need to do that one down the road. Instead, we take a roundhouse loving no nonsense cop and pair him up with the department's most decorated maverick canine in the action epic Top Dog.

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The Stuff

The Stuff:  I'm going to try to avoid semen jokes.

Larry Cohen does not give a fuck. Almost specializing in the art of the “B” film, the writer/director has given us such classics as Black Caesar, Maniac Cop III, and Original Gangstas. He also utilized Billy Dee Williams in the worst way with Deadly Illusion while making a movie titled Uncle Sam a horror film. The man just doesn't peddle in shit....he revels in it. God bless him for it, for without him, we wouldn't have one of the most ridiculous plots in horror film history with The Stuff.

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American Ninja

American Ninja:  Who else can wield a blade that never cuts.

Ninja, or as they were then known as Shinobi, started to pop up in history around the 15th century. At the time, they were consider infiltrators, scouts, and assassins. There were two clans that produced professionally trained ninja but many were mercenaries favored due to being flexible or even dismissive of the strict Bushido code. They were the masters of stealth and perfected their craft so well it turned into a verb. Their skill throughout history is marred with myth and legend due to the secretive nature of their duties. But there is one thing that the Japanese couldn't account for. They couldn't have anticipated the rad awesomeness of.....AMERICAN NINJA.

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