Howard the Duck

Howard the Duck:  This is what happens when the Lucas House of Ideas runs loose.

Most people forget about all the bullshit ideas that ran through George Lucas’s head in his career. Sure, this is the guy that brought us Star Wars and Indiana Jones. I’ll even go so far as saying his work on Willow and Labyrinth are worth mentioning. The problem is that when his creative genius goes unchecked, a lot of film diarrhea gets splashed on the big screen. His most famous fuck ups could be considered the Star Wars prequels, the limp dicked Crystal Skull, and the whitewashed Ewok films. Off to the side in Lucas’s embarrassing corner was the running joke that may not be as damning as the atrocities of the prequels, but horrible enough to earn him his own little pet name amongst the Hollywood elite.


Tim Robbins crack-addled performance almost makes Howard's serial killer eyes bearable.

Based on the Marvel comic that no one ever read, Howard the Duck tells the story of a wisecracking, walking, talking duck that gets pulled from his “duckverse” (hope you motherfuckers are ready for duck puns) through some sort of space rift and dumped into our planet. In probably the most realistic reaction to a fish out of water character, people are either creeped out, curious, or think they are on drugs when they see him. After saving struggling rock musician Beverly (Lea Thompson) using Quack-Fu (there’s more puns coming, buddy), Howard ends up crashing out at her place while they sort out how he got to Earth. While scientists accidentally sucked Howard from his world to ours, they also brought over a “Dark Overlord of the Universe”. This guy is the major asshole of the film and wants to bring more Overlords over using the same equipment the scientists used to start this mess. It’s up to Howard to be the hero by befriending a cracked out Tim Robbins, avoid getting chopped up in a sushi diner, escaping cops that have no problem shooting animals, flying a prop plane during duck season, stopping the Overlords, and peppering the movie with duck puns in case you forgot this was about a walking talking duck. At least you get to see Lea Thompson’s panties.

The most sexually confusing scene in any adolescent's life.

The creepiest thing is watching Howard prance around with those dead eyes. Most of the time it works. The rest of the time it becomes apparent that the same guy that murdered everyone as Chucky is the same guy dancing around doing shitty karate in a duck costume. The worst offender is in the first five minutes, where you get to see duck tits. I never wanted to see duck tits even as part of a weird joke. Whenever someone says, “Hey man, tits are tits.” you punch that son of a bitch in their fucking throat. It’s only in seconds, but just as traumatizing as watching a Serbian war crime. That shit is in my head now and it’s not coming out.

Rooney's fucking pissed that he had to see those disgusting duck tits.

Howard the Duck suffers from not knowing what audience this is geared towards. This is a movie where an anthropomorphic duck bounces around and saves the day. Why are you going to have Lea Thompson pulling out an unwrapped condom from Howard’s wallet and try to fuck him? It’s not that I’m against fucking in movies, it’s that I don’t want to see Marty’s mom trying to fuck a duck. What parent would love to skip past the whole “birds and the bees” speech and try to explain to their kids it’s not okay mix your no-no special parts with a duck. This shit makes Jar Jar and the Crystal Skull look like gifts from heaven.