Jurassic World

Jurassic World:  Dino Park II goes to shit while Chris Pratt strengthens his resume.

Raise your hand if you like dinosaurs and violence. Since that should be every hand in the room, it's a fucking no brainer that we need to pump out a sequel to the king of all “dinosaurs get out of the park and murder people” movies. As much as Jurassic Park was loved, you'd be stupid not to make the sequel. Since they have already made two that everyone wants to forget, a revamp was definitely in order. Also, now that Chris Pratt is flying high with all that action hero money, he's the safe bet for your lead if you want to up the ante on your Dino murder movie. How did it go? Well, if you like dinosaurs and violence, just turn off your brain and you’ll be fine. The rest of you will have to wade through a dino-sized pool of stupid to get to the decent parts.


After Owen went into his Angry Swan stance, so began the greatest beatdown in dinosaur martial art history.

Remember Lost World and Jurassic Park 3? Forget that shit ever happened. A T-Rex never touched American soil in a boat and marines never stormed the beach of Isla Nublar. Instead, the first movie's events are a go. A guy genetically engineers dinosaurs to build a theme park while the scientists better known as that guy who handles the raptors and Samuel L. Jackson, all but scream, “Bad Idea”. The park goes to shit due to sabotage while we see cool dinosaur violence and get a lesson about not fucking with nature. In Jurassic World, nobody learned a fucking thing and instead built a bigger and better park/resort to show off their genetically altered monstrosities. We are shown the wonder of the park as well as the trademark dramatic music through the eyes of two kids visiting their aunt Claire who acts as some sort of operations chief of Jurassic World. While Claire is busy ignoring the kids and constantly showing she is the worst person for the job, the owner of the park wants a paddock examined for their latest slight against natural order, Indominus Rex. Owen (Pratt) who runs the raptor paddock and somehow trains them, is the natural choice. We come to find out too late that Indominus Rex is some sort of genetic predator soup version of the T-Rex. Through pure stupidity, the genetic murder machine gets loose and creates a chain of events that turn the family friendly park into a chaotic snack tray for dinosaurs.

Meet worthless dipshit kid #1 and #2. I couldn't find a better picture because watching them scream in terror made me smile.

First of all, everyone except for Pratt is either retarded or unlikable. The two kids look like Disney show extras and seem to only exist to get into trouble or to show off the park. Claire, who manages to survive the murder adventure in high heels, is not only a shitty operations manager, but an annoying maternal figure to the boys. The owner of the park, Simon, blunders through his part and manages to fuck up the already tumultuous conditions even further by being that special kind of idiot. Even the guy who wanted to train raptors for the military fails at being the villain since it makes sense on paper. What we are left with is Pratt who is the only voice of reason and hero through the entire movie. Some lines fluff him up a bit much like ‘Your boyfriend is a badass!’, but he manages to stay grounded as a character.

This guy got up this morning, ate a solid breakfast, and kissed his wife and kids goodbye thinking to himself on his way to work, "I have complete faith in my supervisor to use good judgement concerning my welfare at Jurassic World."

I can get over the trained raptor thing, but watching an entire operation fall apart due to incompetence on ALL levels is embarrassing. Jurassic Park had its flaws, but it had to break down because of circumstance and sabotage. Jurassic World seems like it's ready to go to shit the moment some employee wanders off an attraction to take a leak or forgets to lock a door or something. It's like the park's policy and procedure handbook was written on a dirty napkin or something. I suppose that it's a necessary evil since you as the audience want the park to go to shit so we can watch the Dinosaurs murder people. It does a good job at that.

It's hard to turn your brain off for the shitty characters and leaky plot, but if you do it's a decent movie about dinosaurs fucking shit up. Most of the Indominus's scenes are enjoyable, as well as watching the rest of the dinosaurs wreck shit. This move is stupid Dino violent fun even if the cast only exists to fluff up Pratt. Boil it all down and you get a decent action flick that’s an okay sequel to Jurassic Park.